Party of One

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m sharing a different side of me in tonight’s post.

Life is a long and winding road, and we all can have down moments. And the reality is, I had one of those moments last week. Being single as a Christian in this hook-up culture is really stinkin’ hard. And I found myself caught up in that emotion one night last week, on a walk, conveniently with a journal in my backpack.

So tonight, I’m publishing the unedited entry from that very night. Which – yeah, is a bit bonkers. But I just wanted to share that, it’s okay to have moments of weakness. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be strong every now and then. We’re human.

And inviting the Lord into that hurting place, allows Him to work in only the ways that He can, as you will see through the resolution of my journal entry.

God shows up, as He always does.

So with that…I invite you into my heart…so that maybe…just maybe…next time you feel something similar, you won’t feel so alone, too.

Here we are tonight. I’m sitting on a bench overlooking the Statue of Liberty. There’s a warm breeze, the skyline is twinkling its warm amber glow, and I’m feeling completely alone.

It’s funny, you know, the way God allows things to happen, just so. I’m surrounded by canoodling couples, and I just took a walk, and on my route, I passed (coincidentally) the apartments of two men I’ve been romantic with in the last month. (Because, of course, they live on my walking route.)

And as I’m sitting here watching the boats pass, thinking about those gentlemen, what *just happens* to fall out of my journal? None other than concert ticket stubs, VIP wristbands and backstage passes, all from a whirlwind romantic relationship — with a rock star — from when I first moved to NY. I mean, wow. When was the last time I thought about him? Talk about a gut punch. It’s as though God is taking me by the hand and walking me through memories of love, while I’m sitting alone, in arguably the most romantic setting on the East Coast.

To say the fear of ending up alone is knocking at my door would be an understatement. Particularly because the last four attempts at relationships this year ended as soon as they learned of my virginity.

I trust You, Lord, but this is hard, and my hope is failing.

Something came over me to thumb through the rest of this journal. I haven’t written or looked at in ages. And in it I found desperate notes of fear and anguish, from a girl trapped in the throes of anorexia, crying out to God. I read back those words with a lump in my throat, remembering exactly where I was – as though it was just yesterday.

Entry after entry filled with words of a tortured my heart. One I remember so well, ever since that damn eating disorder had its way with me so long ago.

But reading it on the brink of tears, now, God is reminding me where I am right now, reading this in 2019: I made it through. God heard those cries of despair and He rescued me. He heard my cries and answered me. He saved me from that Hell, even when I was at the pit of rock bottom. *How then, can I doubt that He will hear my heart’s plea now?*

I am His daughter. He loves me as a Father and will provide. These fears, this loneliness and uncertainty – it is not unnoticed. It is not ignored. Someday, down the road I will read this back and recognize all that God provided, and how my God rescued me again.

But that doesn’t make it any easier, right now in this moment. It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.

Lord, please bring into my life my husband. Reveal to me the plans You have for my life. You’ve brought me through so much already and for that I am so grateful. Please don’t abandon me now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved. You know that, Lord. It’s been my struggle my entire life. And I’m going to be really honest – it’s hard not to feel really angry at the path my life has taken. Those years stolen by the eating disorder. Years I can’t get back, but more disheartening than that is the lasting impact it’s had on my life from then on. The feelings of unworthiness. The way my heart’s flower has wilted, and how I’ve been terrified to love, feeling completely undeserving of it and inadequate. Why, Lord? Take this broken spirit and renew me, Lord. I lay it all in Your capable hands. I am Yours. I am searching. I am seeking. Perhaps all I need to do is turn my eyes to You? Perhaps in my striving for completeness and purpose, I’ve lost focus on You, and I’ve pushed You out of the equation. Help me fix that Lord. I love you.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

431 thoughts on “Party of One”

  1. sometimes God protects us from the people we shouldn’t Love. I didn’t know it but I fell in love with a woman who was so wrong for me. She didn’t want anything to do with me and it hurt my ego, but it was the best thing that happened to me looking back on it now

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    1. There’s a lot of truth in that. Thank you for sharing your experience. God always is protecting us. Hugs and love xox

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  2. Praying for a Godly spouse is a good prayer. It was mine for many years. I’m glad you’re praying in the right direction and preserving your virginity as you wait. You are on a good and God-pleasing path. (encouraging nod from the Midwest, in lieu of hugs and love) God keep you, sister.

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    1. There is power in prayer for sure. I definitely hope so!! Thanks for your kind words. Hugs and love xox

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  3. Wow, great post! You’re a good kid Caralyn. Everything will work out in due time. I think you know that already, despite your trials. Hang in there! Thanks, Reid

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  4. I hear your heart and can relate so well to this. Many nights I spent alone , walking and wishing I was with someone. God always reminded me that though I longed for someone , He was to be my first desire & to trust He did have someone for me. I spent many nights just on my knees , getting into His Word , and worshipping … doing those things filled my mind with Him and His presence. I fell so in love with God that I didn’t care if He ever brought me someone. I didn’t want anyone to take His place in my heart. I did have my moments though where I gave in and dated men who were not worthy of my time just because I didn’t want to be alive. However God alwAys put obstacles in the way or convicted me to end it.
    I’m glad to say after lonely years and years of messing up …I’m currently engaged to a man who loves Jesus with all his heart and respects my purity. God does have someone for you , don’t doubt it ! It will come and it will be amazing. God redeems the time. Trust Him , He is faithful and does not disappoint !

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    1. Thank you Lori for this kind reflection, and for sharing your story. That is such powerful advice: to fall in love with God during this time. Amen. And congrats on your engagement! that’s so wonderful to hear!!! God is good! trust Him indeed! big hugs xo

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    1. You’re so right about that Dan, running after Him! thanks for this awesome reminder!! hugs xox

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    1. Thanks Jackie, glad this hit home with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Have a beautiful day! hugs xox

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    1. Hi Urvi! Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragment. I think you’re absolutely correct! I’ve just got to have some patience!! hugs xox

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  8. Searching can be sadly disappointing. We tend to exclude and limit how things must be.

    I know Matthew says seek and you will find; but, by being open, without seeking, God and unexpected, lifetime love found me.

    Us

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    1. Thanks Von, you’re so right about that – being open!! So glad you’ve found that love! hugs xox

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    1. Hi Teresa! Aw, thank you so much for your prayers and kind words! It really means a lot 🙂 Hope oyu’re having a beautiful week so far! big hugs xox

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  10. A note of encouragement to you. My oldest brother was 17 years older than me. After graduating from college in the early 60’s he was drafted into the army following 4 years of college draft deferment. He told me he was angry because he had missed his best opportunity to find a great wife in college. The US Army sent him to Turkey during the height of the Cold War. A young man from North Carolina became his best friend while they were stationed 90 miles from Russia. This best friend had a sister in nursing school who my brother began to exchange letters. Upon his return to the US, his first stop was to visit his friend’s sister. He never returned to his hometown in Alabama. He married this beautiful, charming, and intelligent girl from North Carolina and the rest is history. God had someone destined for my brother and he had to go to Turkey to find the road to her house. God has someone picked out for you—don’t be surprised the road on which God will bring him to your park bench.

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    1. Hi Harry, thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. And wow what an incredible story. Just goes to show you that God will always let His plan come to fruition!!! This gives me such great hope. Really appreciate you stopping by. Big hugs to you xox

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  11. “It’s not easy to love God with all your heart and soul and mind when much of the time you’ve all but forgotten his name. But to love God isn’t a goal we have to struggle toward on our own, because what at its heart the gospel is all about is that God himself moves us toward it even when we believe he’s forsaken us” – Frederick Buechner

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  12. Such a heartfelt post! Thanks for sharing. I can’t help but feel that we live in two different worlds though! Guys not interested because you’re a virgin?? Where I live that is a virtue and much respected. Men here would be flocking to you ❤️ I hope, Caralyn, that you realize just how precious that is.

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    1. Thanks so much Heather 🙂 gosh you’re kind to say that. Haha yeah pretty ironic, huh? So glad you stopped by. Thanks for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  13. Sending hugs. God is always with you… I hope you meet the guy f your dreams soon, the guy who will be stable, consistent, and worthy of you.
    Love, light and glitter

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    1. Thank you so much Eliza. I really appreciate that. And yes! All the glitter! Hehe Hugs and love xox

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      1. You are so generous with your readers. I can hardly imagine the immense time you devote to each commentor. You really are committed to your purpose of giving. I admire you.

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  16. “Please don’t abandon me now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved”. Your words from today’s post.

    “5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have:for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrews 13:5. God’s words to Caralyn, 2000 years ago.

    You are also loved by so many others.
    Love and Blessings,
    Jim

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    1. Thanks so much Jim, I’m so glad this resonated with you. I love that verse. Wow so powerful. I appreciate you sharing that with me. Hugs and love xox

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  17. The following verse, from Song of Songs, came to mind after reading your posting.

    “My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her”.

    Warmest regards
    John

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  19. That was raw. You are real. God loves you and has big plans for you. In your singleness, you are helping so many others even though the struggles in life are different. You are an amazing woman of God.

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    1. Thank you so much for your compassion. I am very touched. God is good. So glad you stopped by. Big big hugs xox

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  21. Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s hard when loneliness hits. As cliche as it sounds I know God is always holding you and he has awesome plans for you. Praying that he brings you the husband of your dreams soon. X

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    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to read 🙂 and I am very grateful for your prayers – You’re right – He’s always hold us! hugs xo

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  22. If you’re like me, you feel such a relief after you’ve poured your heart and soul out on paper. But then, sometimes, I regret pouring out my heart for others to see. Not always, but sometimes I get that tiny voice that asks why I put it out there for people I don’t even know. Just want to be that little voice that reminds you that you are doing the right thing. There’s no doubt God is working in your life. No doubt He hears your prayers. No doubt that He’s helping others through you! Keep looking up. In His time…

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    1. Hi Teri, thank you for this heartfelt response. I appreciate you being that voice for me. God definitely hears us, and what a comfort! 🙂 Big hugs to you xox

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  23. Ah Caralyn. Nothing like a time with family, and away at the lake, even better, and celebrating with children and babies. During days like that, the outside world can be shut out, and you can also get time with the foursome of you, Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father, and Holy Spirit.
    While writing of your time like that, it reminds me of the time, many times actually, when our Lord Jesus would go up on the mountain alone, to pray to His Father. After Jesus had His mountain experiences with His Father, He was always right back ministering again, as many were waiting.
    Another similarity Caralyn, when you return from your “lakeside” experience, we are all looking for you, and waiting to be blessed. You have vast insight, for a young lady, and the Godly Wisdom you receive during your lakeside experience as you are open to Holy Spirit teaching, we all appreciate reading.
    Enjoy this time with family, and with the Triune God.
    God’s Richest Blessings my Friend.
    Luv, 😀🌹❤️😘

    And also, Jesus was also interested in children, calling them to Himself, encouraging and I would imagine asking Father to bless each one.

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    1. Thanks George! I agree – nothing beats family! And gosh – what incredibly kind and generous words. I am so touched. I am definitely trying to listen to His voice out here in God’s Country. You know what they say…”Heaven seems a little closer in a house beside the water” 🙂 But seriously though, thank you. Hope you had a great fourth. Hugs and love xox

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  24. David was known for being raw with God. He did not shy away from being honest about his frustrations, disappointments, anger with God’s delay but the secret to his writings was, like you did with the dry bones verse, he always turned back to hope and praise; “Why so downcast oh my, hope in God”, “Bless the Lord oh my soul and forget not His benefits” was a common theme for him during his rants. It’s as if he gets it off his chest and then says, “Okay, I’m good now”.

    I tell people God is not afraid of our raw moments, in fact He loves them. “Blessed are those who mourn…”

    That is so sad about the virginity issue but man what a convicting witness you must ha e been to those men who probably have never met a truly devoted woman of God!

    That also shows an amazing strength and faith on your part. Just imagine the crowns that await you on that great day you stand before Christ!

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    1. “Okay I’m good now” – such freedom from giving it all to God!! Thanks Lee! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much Laura, I really appreciate your kindness. Haha yes!! That is my hope 🙂 so glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  26. I can tell you firsthand that dating in NYC is brutal. Ghosting, fading out, weirdos, twisted expectations of sex, it’s all out there and it’s really hard – so you are not alone! You are strong in who you are and that is important. Stick with it, continue to be yourself, see where life leads you, be open to the unexpected. Women who have been true to themselves have done better overall than those who bend head over heels to impress someone. I dated for many years here until I unexpectedly met the love of my life three years ago. So you never know!

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    1. You’re SOOOO right about that Marissa. The Nyc dating scene is a different beast. But yay! So glad to hear you met your love! That’s wonderful. And gives me great hope! Thanks for sharing your love story! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Jesus never EVER fails. I’m glad to hear that He helped your daughter too! big hugs to you xox

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  28. Wow! I have had to scroll and scroll and scroll down to leave this comment. You are truly blessed to have so many people who come alongside you with their love and support.
    You are brave and honest to share your heart in this way. Thank you for allowing us to take a peek into your journal. It was a moving and well-written entry.
    Isn’t God good? When we are feeling despondent and doubtful about whether he will grant our heart’s desires or meet our needs, he reminds us of the times in the past when he came through.
    I pray God continues to comfort and strengthen you whilst you wait for his best to come your way – someone deserving of you and your precious gift of virginity.

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    1. Thanks so much for this heartfelt reply!! Yes, I feel so incredibly blessed with all the support and love 🥰 God really is so so good. Thanks for your prayers my dear friend! Hugs and love xox

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  29. It is OK to be in an emotional desert.
    It is OK to feel lonely.
    It is OK to admit vulnerability.
    It is OK to accept the place where you are.

    And the same way,

    It is OK to trust in God, since that trust is called faith.

    Anything you do, all the preparation you make, God has been preparing your true spouse the very same way.

    When you are ready, you’ll be able to let the urge go.

    Then, and only then you’ll experience total acceptance as the Bride.

    And Heavenly Parent will give you the gift of your perseverance.

    Take care!

    Blessings!

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  30. Let us remember His promises: “God makes a home for the lonely” (Psalm 68:6). He did this fir the saints of yore, I’m sure He can do it (and wants to do it) for you. May the Lord continue to leadership you in His good will for you.

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    1. You’re so right about that. God is always with us!! Thank you for your kind words. Hugs and love xox

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  31. I just wanted to first thank you so much for reading and liking my first blog. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate your support. 💖
    I also want to take a moment and offer you some encouragement, from one Christian sister to another. I have been where you are now. I was that single woman trying and failing at any romantic relationship. I spent my entire 20’s and most of my 30’s praying to God to send me the man that was made just for me. I finally got the message that I should guard my heart, as I always seemed to put it out there only to have it hurt.
    I met my now husband February 24th, 2017. I went into our date guarding my heart and simply being open to learning more about him. I continued to guard heart for months. Letting God show me in all the says that matter that he was the one for me. In essence, he had to show me how true character. November 11th, 2017 we got engaged. We married May 19th, 2018. In March of this year we welcomed our son. It took time and learning to guard my heart, but God truly did bring the perfect man for me into my life. I will be 40 in December of this year. God is great. He may be molding the perfect man for you right now. Just as he is molding you into the perfect woman for your future spouse. God bless you!
    Wishing you all the best!
    Angie (farmfamilyvalues.home.blog)

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    1. You’re so welcome! And gosh thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love story. That’s so awesome! God is incredible good and will bless us with a plan of goodness. Thanks Angie for this wonderful encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  32. Thank you for writing this post. I used to keep a journal- but I haven’t been able to write in it for a long time. I need to pick it up and start writing again.

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  33. I realize, and I think you do as well, the more you lay it out bare, the less it matters, no, not like that, we should all pledge ourselves to be truly honest, and that includes fear, our inner fears and doubts, we all have them, we just do not wear them on our everyday outfits (myself included, I’m working on it), we all pretend they are not there, and then wonder why they have power over us. The answer is we are all subject to despair, but we are all also all citizens of hope. There is no reason to not feel like you are at the bottom of a valley, but at the same time in the presence of mountains, and surely you will be on top of one one day screaming joyously, part of this hook up society is immediacy, and lack of patience, but also there is the thought that we have more matches available due to technology.. both are true.. but that does not make it better or worse in the scheme of things, do what is right for you, and you will find your way, at least that is my hope for myself, and everyone. Be happy for those that are happy, covet not what you don’t have, endeavor for your own but not at all expense..

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  34. Oh sweets 😔❤️ this lonely, single and hurting heart in Sydney feels your pain. It is a hard road to walk, and often brutal in when you see your deepest desires been fulfilled for everyone around you. But God is with you. Praying you feel His love and comfort ❤️❤️

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  35. I related to this on so many levels! Singledom is not an easy route to navigate as a young woman who loves Jesus i​ tell ya! Praying that God answers your hearts desires for a partner sooner than later… but in His infinite timing of course! Lots of love your way!

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    1. I’m so glad this resonated with you. Thanks Sophie for your prayers. Amen – His timing is best!! Hugs and love xox

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  36. “God shows up, as He always does.” Beautifully said.
    God has so much in store for you that is going to simply amaze you, and make you so glad that you waited for what God had for you! I know that’s easier said than done. I really do. Yet this too is a time to learn more about your relationship with the Lord so that when you are trusting the man who God has for you to lead your home, you will have experience to know where you stand with God, and maybe even encourage your husband. I bet He is so eager for you too!
    PS. Have you heard of Leslie Ludy and her Set Apart Girl ministry? I believe she could really bless you. God loves you, Caralyn!

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    1. Yes He does!! You’re on a reading roll, here Gail! Thank you so much! I do believe that. I believe that He has a good plan and it is in His timing. I haven’t heard of Leslie! I will definitely have to check out her ministry! Thanks for passing that along 🙂 hope you’re having a great Tuesday!! 🥰

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  37. 😥 hmm you know this really touched me in a very deep way. I’m proud that God give you the strength to pour your heart out. Being single has it’s joys and sorrows. I’m single over the last 7 years and counting. It’s not easy but when you continue to put God first and focus on doing His will and know that He sent His Holy Spirit to be with us, you don’t focus on your singleness cause you know God is with you and be it His will He will send that spouse in His timing, not ours. I always say nobody can love me like Jesus does. No. Body. Not even my family or a pet. None. I know that God is still healing my heart from past wounds and shaping me to be a true woman of God/Godly wife be it His will for me. I know I’m not ready for that and I told Him about it and He knows I’m not. I want my relationship with Him to be perfected in Him & with Him first so that I could have a better one with others and my spouse be it His will. To be honest, I really enjoy my singleness for I get to focus & grow in my love with Jesus my Saviour ❤ and for His will do be done in my life. Me, my mother & my sister are all single woman of God and we enjoy each other's company in the Lord. You're not alone Caralyn. God is with you. Focus on Him and allow Him to mould you into that wife He's preparing you to be for your spouse that will draw you closer to your'll Creator Christ. Hold on. God is good. Blessings & peace.

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    1. Hi Tammy, I’m so glad this resonated with you. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re so right – putting God first and focusing on His will brings so much comfort and purpose. I will definitely be praying for you, my dear friend. Your heart is so strong and I admire your faith!! God truly is so good 🙂 big big hugs my friend! Xox

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  38. I feel your pain girl! I remember crying hot tears for a month after a sweet man ended our relationship because of my walk of faith…he said we made decisions based on different values (i didn’t want our relationship to be built on physical first) and in the long run it wouldn’t work. Although I knew he was right, it hurt. And I wouldn’t budge. And guess what? The loneliness was worth it. It took another year or so but God brought about my perfect “Adam” who i had been praying for – like you. He will bring yours along too! Until then continue to enjoy your beautiful freedom and to walk with HIM as your husband.xoxo

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    1. Hi KJ – thank you for your wonderful words of encouragment. i’m sorry that you can so personally relate. Amen to that – I’m so glad you found your Adam! God is good! hugs xo

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  39. Thank you for sharing your life and the lessons you have learned. Please, please do not take this as an inappropriate comment, but I believe you truly have a radiant beauty – both interior and physically. Your courage is an inspiration, even when I do not want to hear your message. Keep up the good work, and keep writing!

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    1. Thank you so much Paul, that is just so kind of you to say. Means a lot 🙂 have a great weekend! Xox

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  40. Awww. Actually, at my own side of the world, being a virgin before marriage is viewed with high regard. It’s the joy of every parent, every husband and of course every wife XD. I can only say: “Keep it up!”

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    1. Thank you Susan for your kind words and this perspective. How interesting!! Sounds like your country is pretty dang awesome! Hehe Hugs and love xox

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  41. It’s very easy for an outsider looking in to say, but – what a blessing that those men didn’t have their way with you! If that is truly all that mattered to them, it wasn’t worth it for you to give what was most personal and valuable. Keep being faithful to the Lord. You are not alone. There are godly men out there looking for someone just like you! 💕

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    1. Thank you Briana, I really appreciate this powerful perspective. You’re so right about that – He has a good plan, and it will come to be in His time. I just have to be patient, and like you said — trust! 🙂 big hugs xox

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  42. Sorry things did not go well but if things fell through with the Aussie guy, I would console yourself with the fact that cross-cultural relationships can be challenging. I was having a bit of discussion with God about matters of the heart too. I know God knows how I feel anyway, so I didn’t hold back.
    My mother has said at times that nothing good comes easy. Seems particularly true when it comes to love.

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    1. Thank you friend. You’re right about that — long run, it was a good thing. thank you for sharing your heart. big hugs xox

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  43. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable, as always. It’s refreshing in this “perfect image” world.
    I know you know this already, but the right man will love your broken parts and cherish all of you. And he will value your choice to stay a virgin and the strength that takes, not look down on you for it.
    I have faith that he’s out there for you!

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    1. Thanks Hope, I really appreciate that. I think you’re right – he’s out there. I trust that!! Thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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  44. What a good job you do with your blog posts. And I like reading them and hearing of your thoughts of life and your faith. You are brave to be so open as you are. Keep up the good work you do.

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 I really appreciate your kind words and for taking the time to read 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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