Party of One

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m sharing a different side of me in tonight’s post.

Life is a long and winding road, and we all can have down moments. And the reality is, I had one of those moments last week. Being single as a Christian in this hook-up culture is really stinkin’ hard. And I found myself caught up in that emotion one night last week, on a walk, conveniently with a journal in my backpack.

So tonight, I’m publishing the unedited entry from that very night. Which – yeah, is a bit bonkers. But I just wanted to share that, it’s okay to have moments of weakness. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to not be strong every now and then. We’re human.

And inviting the Lord into that hurting place, allows Him to work in only the ways that He can, as you will see through the resolution of my journal entry.

God shows up, as He always does.

So with that…I invite you into my heart…so that maybe…just maybe…next time you feel something similar, you won’t feel so alone, too.

Here we are tonight. I’m sitting on a bench overlooking the Statue of Liberty. There’s a warm breeze, the skyline is twinkling its warm amber glow, and I’m feeling completely alone.

It’s funny, you know, the way God allows things to happen, just so. I’m surrounded by canoodling couples, and I just took a walk, and on my route, I passed (coincidentally) the apartments of two men I’ve been romantic with in the last month. (Because, of course, they live on my walking route.)

And as I’m sitting here watching the boats pass, thinking about those gentlemen, what *just happens* to fall out of my journal? None other than concert ticket stubs, VIP wristbands and backstage passes, all from a whirlwind romantic relationship — with a rock star — from when I first moved to NY. I mean, wow. When was the last time I thought about him? Talk about a gut punch. It’s as though God is taking me by the hand and walking me through memories of love, while I’m sitting alone, in arguably the most romantic setting on the East Coast.

To say the fear of ending up alone is knocking at my door would be an understatement. Particularly because the last four attempts at relationships this year ended as soon as they learned of my virginity.

I trust You, Lord, but this is hard, and my hope is failing.

Something came over me to thumb through the rest of this journal. I haven’t written or looked at in ages. And in it I found desperate notes of fear and anguish, from a girl trapped in the throes of anorexia, crying out to God. I read back those words with a lump in my throat, remembering exactly where I was – as though it was just yesterday.

Entry after entry filled with words of a tortured my heart. One I remember so well, ever since that damn eating disorder had its way with me so long ago.

But reading it on the brink of tears, now, God is reminding me where I am right now, reading this in 2019: I made it through. God heard those cries of despair and He rescued me. He heard my cries and answered me. He saved me from that Hell, even when I was at the pit of rock bottom. *How then, can I doubt that He will hear my heart’s plea now?*

I am His daughter. He loves me as a Father and will provide. These fears, this loneliness and uncertainty – it is not unnoticed. It is not ignored. Someday, down the road I will read this back and recognize all that God provided, and how my God rescued me again.

But that doesn’t make it any easier, right now in this moment. It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.

Lord, please bring into my life my husband. Reveal to me the plans You have for my life. You’ve brought me through so much already and for that I am so grateful. Please don’t abandon me now. I want nothing more than to love and be loved. You know that, Lord. It’s been my struggle my entire life. And I’m going to be really honest – it’s hard not to feel really angry at the path my life has taken. Those years stolen by the eating disorder. Years I can’t get back, but more disheartening than that is the lasting impact it’s had on my life from then on. The feelings of unworthiness. The way my heart’s flower has wilted, and how I’ve been terrified to love, feeling completely undeserving of it and inadequate. Why, Lord? Take this broken spirit and renew me, Lord. I lay it all in Your capable hands. I am Yours. I am searching. I am seeking. Perhaps all I need to do is turn my eyes to You? Perhaps in my striving for completeness and purpose, I’ve lost focus on You, and I’ve pushed You out of the equation. Help me fix that Lord. I love you.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

431 thoughts on “Party of One”

    1. Thank you Brad, I really appreciate your kindness. Scary to publish this one!! Hugs and love xox

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  4. Life is crazy, ya know? I went on a solo retreat this weekend, because, well, I had a moment myself, a anxiety attack while at work. As I was on my retreat, I’m big into meditation, I had a profound thought about living in the moment. I was staring at the river, while sitting in my chair, reading my book about some Buddhist teachings, and had a profound thought that I think is appropriate for your post. Rivers don’t have a memory, they just flow. If anything gets in the way, they adapt and keep flowing, even if that path wasn’t what was intended. They don’t go back and try to remember and re-live what rock they washed over, though it certainly did happen, they just keep going no matter what, no regrets.

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    1. It really is crazy, thank you Peter. Wow sounds like an incredible weekend – there’s something about the water. And you’re right – they just flow. Thank you for sharing your heart. Hugs and love xox

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      1. It was much needed, my body was clearly telling me it was much needed, lol! I read a really cool blurb on Inner Peace: “As in the ocean’s depth no wave is born, but all is still, so let the practitioners be still, be motionless, and nowhere should they swell. ” It reminds me a lot of the verse in the bible where it talks about being still, steadfast.

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  5. “The past might have been like a walk in the park but once your at your best today, your tomorrow shall be a walk with a spark” – said by me, haha 😄. Haven’t trademarked this one too, just came up with it. The world might tell you a lot of things, but what you feel and how you feel at the end is all that matters. Best wishes 🙂⭐️

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  6. It is such an unbelievable irony that the thing we save as a gesture of love is the very thing that gets us turned down. Did any of us see this coming when we were younger? I don’t know.

    I’m sorry, C. You deserve better.

    If it means anything, that was an amazing prayer at the end.

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    1. Thank you Brandon, you’re so right about that – a huge irony. Thanks for reading and for being so kind. You’re a great friend. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thanks so much for reading and for your kindness. I think there’s really a shared emotion there. Hugs and love xox

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  8. This couldn’t have been an easy thing to share, but I applaud your bravery in sharing it. May God bless you and send you a love that will light your heart and soul.

    Lots of love and hugs, girl! 🙂

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    1. Thanks friend – yeah super nerve wracking to share!! Thank you for your kindness and encouraging words. Hugs and love xox

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  9. Wonderful and honest article.. I’m 100% sure God has a plan and a wonderful person/man for you! Just pray, keep waiting and don’t give up! Just don’t, even when you want to.. keep smiling! God Loves You! ✨

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    1. Thank you friend – I definitely trust that He does!! You’re right – prayer is powerful 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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  10. Hang in there girl! God is preparing your husband just for you and maybe you still have some things to go through and he still has some things to go through for you all to be ready for one another. Before I met my soul mate there was a lot of waiting and preparation and I know it is hard to be patient but it is worth it because it will be a forever love. If I had met my husband any sooner than I did I would not have been ready for him because there were things I needed to go through, things I needed to learn, things I needed to experience that made me the woman that was right for him. Be patient and keep looking for the lessons. God will bring him in to your life when and where you least expect it. Blessings on your journey!

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    1. Aw thanks Tammy, you’re so kind. You’re right – God is preparing him and me! And thank you for sharing your story! God has the perfect timing!! Hugs and love xox

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  11. It is stinking hard! My crush I actually seeing another guy.

    I dont understand why these guys dont want a virgin, I dont get that. But keep looking and be patient. If you want to talk or anything let me know the best way to contact you. Seems like we’re both struggling to find that special someone!

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    1. It really is. Aw I’m sorry to hear that. And gosh thanks for being such a great friend. You’re right!! Hugs and love xox

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      1. Yeah, I mean its disappointing but I’ll live. It probably didn’t help that I didn’t show any interest but being timid as a guy (especially after being rejected 12 years ago) doesnt help. Many people I talk to doesnt understand how devastating a loss of a potential soulmate but well I’m taking it like a champ so..

        Its not easy for people like us to find someone. Some people think if 2 people are single that’s good enough but then that’s probably why the divorce rate is so high! Sometimes though love happens when you least expect it. You seem outgoing so being in familiar places you might one day come across someone. I want ready for it and it seems like I never am so the best way is to keep a lookout, perhaps that guy is closer to you than you think!

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      3. Yeah, you just have to keep an eye out. Maybe your guy is just really shy. I missed out because I was too timid around her and she probably thought I wasn’t interested. She very well could have said something to someone but maybe she was too shy herself. Either way I believe it takes 2 but it takes the one to initiate it if the other isnt doing anything about it.

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      4. I definitely feel that about shyness! Couple that with being super old fashion – it can make things difficult for sure!

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      5. Yeah, it doesnt work well if both people are too shy. Of course had I had an opportunity and I missed it. If it was any clearer she had an interest in me she’d be the one initiating conversation.

        Being the guy though being timid isnt a good quality. Being rejected is hard, it’s worse when you put too much hope into it.

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      7. Yeah, well wishing you luck finding your guy. Just keep your eyes open. Sometimes you just need to try putting yourself into their field of vision. It eventually worked for me even though it was too late.

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      8. Putting yourself into their field of vision – now THAT is something I can take to the bank!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

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      9. Lol yeah. I just wished I never put too much hope into this lady 12 years ago. Really messed with my head. It never really healed but maybe one day I’ll get over it.

        Just look your best and keep on the lookout. Itll be better than dating sites. 😁

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      10. I’m so sorry to hear that. I think you’re right about the dating sites. Saying a prayer for you!! 🙂 hugs xo

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  12. Caralyn, I read this and started feeling as I did when I first started reading your entries. I have tears for you. I want to wrap you in my arms, kiss the top of your head, and try to comfort you. Like dads always try to do.

    You know the trials I’ve had, including bankruptcy, foreclosure, and having to move across the country to get a job. It even took my home town away from me! But I don’t think I would ever have started blogging without the trial, which means I wouldn’t have met you. I wouldn’t have started teaching a bible class on Sundays.

    As God – not luck – would have it, Pastor Neugebauer preached one of his best sermons ever yesterday. It was about Jeremiah holed up in a cave on Mt. Sinai just after kicking some Baal butt, calling down fire from heaven. God asked Jeremiah what he was doing there. Jeremiah’s focus went into himself: Lord, I have been jealous for you and now I’m the only one left. Everyone else they’ve killed! And now they want to kill me! Woe is me!

    Jeremiah had a career of spectacular success up to that point, but he was dwelling on the negative, circling the drain that was his naval.

    I do that a LOT! My blog only reaches a few hundred. Very few people come to my classes. I’m thankful for my job but hate it too. I’ve wanted to chuck it all more than once. But Pastor Neugebauer was right; Jeremiah got burned out. We all do. Maybe it’s even a sign that we ARE doing it all right! Doesn’t Scripture tell us to rejoice in suffering? So we take a step back. Vent like you did. Pray. Then run a few more plays, so to speak.

    You are loved. Loved by all the people who visit you twice a week. I know it isn’t the love you crave, but it’s there. It’s yours. 40,000+ subscribers. Two speaking gigs in the fall. A B3 product line. I know it’s hard to relish those things when there’s no one to share it all with, but you have them.

    I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m chiding you, because I’m not. This is all offered from someone who shares your despair, albeit in different veins. If nothing else works here for you, please know that it’s at least offered in an attempt at support.

    And Pastor Neugebauer’s closing line? God loves you as you are. But He loves you enough to not leave you as you are.

    Hope springs eternal!

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    1. Oh Jeff, thank you my dear friend. That truly means so much. You’re so right – God always knows exactly what His children need, and He gave you exactly what you needed during that season. And you’re so right – it’s God not luck! Oh wow that sounds like an awesome sermon. I would love to have heard it. And yes! There is power in prayer. Thank you for saying that and for your support. You’re such a great friend 🙂 amen!! Loves us as we are!!! Hope you have a great night. Hugs and love to you and your girls! xox

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      1. Julie and Hillary will be back from Toledo shortly, and I’ll be so glad to have them home. Pastor’s sermons are always archived on our church web site. When it’s uploaded I’ll send you the link. Have a great evening!!

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      2. That’s such wonderful news. And awesome! Can’t wait to listen! Hugs and love xox

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      3. Thanks for being vulnerable and honest! Other young ladies need to hear your story because God wants them to save themselves for their husband. Forget the two guys too- they miss out on the blessing of knowing you as person and the love you have to give. God has someone so special for you- I know it! He will lead you to the right mate while you trust Him and wait. Trusting is the hard part but He will give you the strength to continue on!

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      4. Thank you so much 🙂 I am so touched by your kindness. You’re so right – I’ve just got to be patient during the trusting process!! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you so much 🙂 amen – He is so faithful – that’s such a comforting truth. Hugs and love xox

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  14. This… This right here. Singleness, brokenness, trusting God, or trying desperately to. That was impactful. Exactly where I’m at, feeling unfit for most people and unworthy of those who are left. May God profoundly bless you in his time, and show Himself to you like never before in the meantime. So thankful for your openness, perspective, and utter humility. Also amazing verse at the end! Just wow.

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    1. Hi friend – thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 that truly means the world — you hang in there too!!! God bless you profoundly as well 🙂 big big hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Alice for your encouraging words. What a beautiful thought 🥰 gotta keep praying! Hugs and love xox

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  19. Beautiful post. xxx The funny thing is…it felt quite as if the only presence you needed in your life was sitting with you on the bench the whole time. 🙂

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    1. Hi Brooke, thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right about that — He is always with us! big hugs xox

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  20. You are beautiful and you hit the nail on the head. Getting back to your first love Jesus will allow Him to steer you toward a man to love and love you. Keep putting Jesus first and trust that He knows better than you what the timing should be. Wait for His “perfect for you”. As always, love you, beautiful! Hugs!xo😄❤

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you Tonya 🙂 you’re so right – back to our first love. He is who we need to place at top priority 🙂 thanks for that beautiful reminder and for being such a wonderful friend. Hugs and love xox

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  21. This was beautiful and heart felt. The seasons that God places us in can truly be overwhelming at times. But we must keep our trust in Him. God told me that “It’s Worth the Wait”. No matter how long it takes, I speak this in faith to you…what God has for you; who He has for you and for me, “It’s Worth the Wait”. Be blessed! Thank you for sharing your heart.

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    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – worth the wait. What a powerful thing to have heard from Him!! Hugs and love xox

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  22. Lonely Christian singles wishing someone would want to mingle haha. I’m pretty much in the same boat. But the Lord is faithful and He’ll bring us our spouses in due time. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight 🙂. Much love and blessings.

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    1. Haha you’re so right about that Izzy!! Glad this resonated with you:) and thank you for your prayers! Know that you’re in mine too! Hugs and love xox

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  23. I love your honesty. I have to head in to work so I am going to flag this to come back and share my heart with you later this week, but please know it is better to wait than to settle (said from someone who got impatient and didn’t wait for the RIGHT one but instead went for Mr. Right Now and spent a decade paying for that choice and now another decade being divorced in a Christian culture that finds having babies without marriage more acceptable than getting married and divorced). I have some things I’d like to share based upon what you said, not in a preachy “I have the answers” way but in a “Hey, here is what I’ve learned since I have embraced my singleness and I think it would have helped me when I was your age and pre-marriage.” Caralyn, please never stop being you. You encourage me for our future – and that’s saying a lot because these days it’s really hard to see that hope AND faith in people truly wanting to change the world, change themselves, and make every day more beautiful!

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    1. Hi Shell! You’re on a reading roll!! Thank you so much for this beautiful response. And thank you for sharing your story and your wisdom. It is of great encouragement to me. Yes! We have that power to change the world – God can do incredible things 🙌🏼 big big hugs to you xox

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      1. I read them when they come out but I read them from my phone. I don’t like commenting from my phone because I tend to make spelling errors and typos so I tend a comment all at once. Tonight was one of my commenting nights and then I realized I had to leave for work.

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      2. Gotcha. Well, I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to do so!! have a beautiful night! hugs xox

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  24. Dear Beauty:
    I understand and appreciate your lament. The desire to find that one true love and bond forever is a holy and righteous desire. God ordained marriage as the foundation for families. When entered into whole heartedly, the both of you become one in purpose and a blessing to each other.
    I too have lamented from time to time that I have never had loved returned to me with full intent. Alas I became a monk 10 years ago because I lost hope a righteous woman would be found for me in this life.
    I promise you, as long as you stay faithful and true to God, He will ordain these trials to be counted to you for a righteous sacrifice, showing, with real actions, your faith and devotion.
    You are a daughter of God, and He will refine you.
    Any Worthy man would be honored to have you be his wife.
    Perhaps, when Shiloh returns, and the concerns of mortality are no longer an issue, You and I will finally be rewarded for enduring to the end.
    Peace be with you sister…you are worthy

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    1. Hi Olavson, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I so appreciate you sharing your story. What a powerful vocation you have embarked upon. You’re so right — He uses everything for good – even our trials. Thank you for your lovely encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  25. I am your one of your regular visitors as you are one of mine.
    I do not read all your posts but it always happens that there are some posts that just seem to shout out, “Read me.” And this is one of them. I am feeling exactly the way you do although we are years and places apart. For all the blessings in my life, there are still moments I feel like, “Lord, are you for real? Do you even care that I would drown in the storms of my life? Or, that you even care for me?”
    Coincidentally, today’s Gospel is about the apostles being dead afraid in the middle of a squall and the Lord was asleep. They woke him up, terrified. And he rebukes them, “Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?”
    You will find him as I know I will find and feel his presence again.
    Peace be with you, my friend.

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    1. Hi friend! Oh gosh, thank you so much for taking the time to read my words. I’m so glad you stumbled upon this one! So true — it can be so difficult at times to trust when we do not understand the why behind life events. Wow – what a timely Gospel!!! thanks for your encouragement. big hugs xo

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  26. These are your psalms … the words accompanying the music in your heart. Is there any doubt He’s listening and, even when it feels impossible, making extraordinary life changes for you behind the scenes? – tsk

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    1. Thank you so much Tony, gosh, I am touched by your generous words. I think you’re so right – God is the master of behind-the-scenes miracles! 🙂 hugs xox

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  27. Isn’t it beautiful how the moments of despair in our journals turn into heartfelt worship. This was a great post. So beautiful and honest. Looks like God is with you all along ❤️🥰

    I recommend reading Joel 2… he will restore the years the locusts ate

    Isaiah 43 …. forget the former things. A new thing is springing forth. Can you not perceive it? He will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

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    1. Oh wow i absolutely love that verse, thank you for sharing it. I think you’re so right about that – God is always with us, even when we can’t see it. Thanks for your encouragment. hugs xox

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  28. Caralyn, this post was so touching! I can also identify with you, though I’m divorce for 15 years now. I’ve had a couple painful breakups since then. But just know this, ONLY a true Christian man will appreciate your faith and your virginity, so don’t compromise. My thoughts are to circulate where they hang out, but knowing they he can be

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    1. Hi Giselle, thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I think you’re so right about that – compromise is not an option. 🙂 And what perfect advice — circulate where they hang out. i absolutely love that!!! thanks for being such a positive light!! sending big big hugs xo

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    1. Hi Kim, thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! Our men are out there! God’s preparing all of our hearts in this moment!! 🙂 big hugs xo

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  30. Oops…anywhere when you least expect it. But these Christian men hand out serving others, in Christian conferences, at church gatherings, church groups, etc. Your feelings, your loneliness, and your regrets are totally normal. God knows all that, and being real with him is what touches His heart of Grace the most. ❤️

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    1. Yes!! My brain is already brainstorming ideas of where those places are in the city — I’m excited to frequent them this summer 🙂 thanks again oxxox

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  31. What you seek is within you. Pat and I knew in our first date we were meant for each other and just when with the flow – we were hippies after all.and love was and is all. Nothing He created is “sinful” or forbidden.or unclean.. Take heart from this citation on our grave marker:
    Hebrews 1:10-12 King James Version (KJV)
    10 And, Thou, Lord, in the beginning hast laid the foundation of the earth; and the heavens are the works of thine hands:
    11 They shall perish; but thou remainest; and they all shall wax old as doth a garment;
    12 And as a vesture shalt thou fold them up, and they shall be changed: but thou art the same, and thy years shall not fail.

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    1. Wow, thank you for sharing that. What a beautiful connection between you two. I love that – love was and is all! amen !! and thanks for passing along that verse! big big hugs to you xo

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  32. I use to keep a journal that I would write in every night. Sometimes I was happy mostly not. When I read those now it’s hard to believe how sad I was. We do get better with God as you can see.

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    1. So true – God takes all those big emotions and loves us through them, even when we can’t see it happening. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  33. I have heard this prayer from so many. Being honest and humble in coming to Him is exactly what you are doing & need to continue to do. There’s no “easy button” when putting the kingdom first. We do live by faith, even when the visual isn’t there…for now. Hang true. -Alan

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    1. thank you Alan – you’re so right about that – no easy button for sure. But amen — living by faith is the best way to live! so glad you stopped by! big hugs xox

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  34. Very raw and honest words, may the Lord provide you with trust and patience while you wait and may you be blessed by the Lord bringing along the man HE has chosen and prepared to be your husband.
    I had waited and felt hopeless wondering where was the man who was meant for me. And the Lord did send him along, so take heart.
    Sending you love and hugs ❤️🤗

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your story. It gives me great hope. I definitely do trust that He will send him along. I’m just getting impatient haha. Thanks for being so wonderfully kind. Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thank you Amy, I love that truth so much – when we hand it over, it allows Him to do His best work!! Thanks for this beautiful reminder. Grateful for you!! Hugs and love xox

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  36. Ah, Friend! Reading your post got me thinking. I feel that I am sort of in the same place, too. Waiting on the Lord, not knowing exactly what His Plans are, but trusting that He is GOOD and His ways are perfect. It’s hard to trust, wait, and be still, but friend, He is working in the waiting. Keep your eyes and heart on Him, and trust that He truly does have the rest figured out for you.
    Thank you for being so raw and vulnerable. I needed this.
    A sister in Christ,
    Annalee

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    1. Hi Annalee, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I’m glad it resonated with you. You’re so right – He is working in the waiting! I love how you put that. How true and how beautiful!! So grateful you stopped by tonight. I really appreciate the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

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      1. Thanks for the response! I just felt led to let you know that my prayer for you is that the man you’ll be with loves Jesus even more than he loves you, and that you both together can love Christ and work for His Kingdom together! It’s important that the both of you work well together as a couple for the Kingdom, if that makes sense. God’s got this 🙂

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      3. And I hope that prayer doesn’t sound too harsh. But a man who loves Jesus more than you will be a man who understands how precious it is to have a wife and helpmate, and will cherish you as you deserve. ❤

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  38. Just wanted to thank you for sharing…my journals were filled with such passionate scribblings before I met my husband, and sometimes still are! 😉
    Also wanted to remind you, despite the lonely feelings, of how much you already love and are loved. You impact so many! Your broken-open vulnerable heart grows more able to love each day!

    Keep your hope up, and keep looking for ways to find meaning, joy and connection with those you already love today.

    If you need some cheerful reading, I highly recommend “The Happiness Advantage”…which humorously but scientifically explains to readers that happiness is not the result of success, of whatever kind, but the CAUSE of it! Our perception really changes our future…so here’s to joy, today, as things are, and in the bright future to come. Worth reading!

    Huge hugs, sweet sister!

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    1. Hi Anna, thank you so much for this beautiful response. I am truly so touched 🙂 And you’re right – despite how I may feel, the truth is that I am loved by a merciful and loving Father who has my best interest at heart. Thanks for the wonderful encouragement. And I’ll definitely check out that book! Thanks for the recco! Hugs and love xox

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  39. Wow young lady I so understand your feeling ,most important God understands, Hebrews 4:15, Just as god is preparing you he is also preparing the one who will love you unconditional as he does keep your focus on God.

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    1. Thank you so much Larry, I appreciate your kindness. You’re so right – He is preparing both our hearts 🙂 such a great reminder. Big hugs to you xox

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    1. Thanks Bonnie. 🙂 Haha yeah a bit bonkers to publish such personal stuff 😂 Thanks for reading!! Hugs and love xox

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  41. “It doesn’t ease the sting of tears as I feel alone, undesired and on the outside.” Don’t take this the wrong way but this passage made me believe you were trying to validate your worth in all the wrong places.

    It’s always going to be a fight to remind yourself that you are worthy as is without a certain number on the scale or relationship status to validate you. It’s easy to fall into those lies because it makes us feel in control of how we measure up instead of just trusting how special and favored we are. I get that it’s a vent, a moment of weakness. But remember you are strong and enough and the person you are meant for will take every part of you and cherish it. In the meantime though, make sure you are cherishing you.

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    1. Thank you for this profound insight. I appreciate it very much. You’re right. It’s easy to fall into those lies. Got to remember His truth! Hugs and love xox

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  42. Great entry. I sympathize. I am a slow to warm kind of person and so ive had as many romances in some years as youve had in some months. And thats ok–as you say, comparison is the thief of joy, just saying that I sympathize. One of the ways I console myself when I feel lonely is to think that God has a satisfaction for all desires in our hearts. And in my heart is a deep desire for family. So i think about how such waiting will one day be satisfied by such Joy! The virtue of Hope fills me with excitement for the future God has in store for me. My end of the bargain is to purify myself, cultivate patience. Grow in holiness so my future wife will meet me at my best–or as near to it as i can achieve through the grace of God. So just remember that the deeper your desolation in waiting, the greater your joy will be when God brings you satisfaction. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep fighting the good fight.
    AMDG
    -Scoot

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    1. Thank you so much Scoot for sharing your heart. That’s so true – the greater the joy will be. What hope and comfort in that. I really appreciate your prayers. Know hat you’re in mine too, friend! Hugs and love xox

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  43. I completely understand. I’m there almost once in a while. God knows we find this cross heavy to bare. God has our husbands walking towards us. It’s coming together. Praying with you.

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  44. Oh Caralyn, so wish I could give you a hug. Thanks for sharing a vulnerable moment and for trusting us with it. I think it’s so important for people to see glimpses of our pain, yet that we also choose to give it all to the Lord because we know His hands are big enough to carry it.

    You are a beautiful person, and I really believe you have the heart of a lion. It can’t be easy living as a virgin in this culture in NYC, and the fact that guys have rejected you because you weren’t willing to surrender something so precious for their pleasure tells you that God was protecting your heart and saving it for someone who will cherish it. I just know He has a wonderful man in store for you. You deserve nothing less.

    All my best,
    Adrienne

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    1. Hi Adrienne, thank you for the hug and compassion!! You are spot on with that!! His hands are big enough to carry it! And gosh what a kind thing to say. I really appreciate that beautiful encouragement. Yeah – it’s a bit difficult to say the least, especially in nyc. Sending you big big hugs xox

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  45. Thanks so for sharing. I know God’s got someone for you out there. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I love your blog and I appreciate reading about another believer’s life and experiences. Keep being you! 🙂

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    1. Hahaha oh gosh…that is something I have vowed to never tell!! Maybe someday over a strong glass of wine 😂😂😂😂

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  47. My dear friend

    Allow yourself patience and stop searching, this is my first advice to you – when we want something badly with all our will, it often does not work in this way as we want it, my friend. The best comrade, friend, father is God for you – He knows your heart and what is best for you. Do not think you are old, love is coming on tiptoe, sometimes really surprisingly – and this happens even in all ages – even when we are old eros can shoot his arrow right in heart of two persons, uniting them – Maybe you think you can be soon too old for getting children as you possibly want to have a family – do not worry, this is all in His hands – He is the Doer, not we – He arranges everything and if it lies in your fate even not to have children and a family – you always have Him in your heart, the biggest treasure one can have. But I pray for you that your longing for a right man will come true – so have patience with yourself. Because you have overcome this terrible eating disorder and God has helped you with it, keep this happiness always with you – I have also a friend, he is lonely and is also now in an older age, he always wanted a family, a good wife that fits to him, but he never found – now he is also happy and understood that it was not in his fate to have a family: instead he enjoys the small things in his life and is thankful to God for all that He has given him.

    I embrace you in my heart
    Didi

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    1. Thank you so much Didi for this beautiful encouragement. You’re so right – He knows my heart and what is best. His timing is perfect and I just have to trust that everything is going to end up the way it’s supposed to. And thanks for sharing about your friend. God is good. I trust that’s. Thanks again for being such a wonderful friend. Hugs and love xox

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  48. I needed to read this with some of the things on my mind tonight… thank you for sharing. I feel like I have so much more to say, but I don’t want to put it all out there on a public site, and you’re probably too busy for a private message. Hang in there, and keep your eyes on Jesus.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I’m glad it hit home with you 🙂 would absolutely love an email if you have the time!! 🙂 amen – eyes on Jesus – best place to be! Hugs and love xox

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  49. Christian concerts, those young men go to church, love the Lord and even more amongst the crowd as well…rock stars are rarely going for Christian women, ever., at least not for commitments. They have images to keep in that world and their managers and other band members won’t be for you. 99% truth. All because you are a follower of Christ. Not because you’re not good enough. There’s no sense hoping for the 1% … Country yes more likely in that genre. More than this I pray you are looking at whomever it is or who ever comes your way through the eyes of Our Father. A blindfold sometimes would do us all good when we meet the opposite sex. As women we tend to look on the outside before realizing too late there could be nothing on the inside. That it was all for the numero uno thing on the man’s mind (this works the same for men and unsaved women). Its a jungle out there, so try to stay under the Fathers umbrella. The grass definetly is an illusion of green on the other side of life without Our Savior. when we are young we tend to believe God could not possibly choose the right one for us so it’s hard to release those reigns. Reasons why we look outside the church group of fellows. We think it’s ok to mingle with the worldly. We are a peculiar people set apart from the world. I have wanted to tell you for quite awhile that you are looking for love in all the wrong places :-). Thankfully you wrote this and since I have read pretty faithfully your blogs I was happy to see a few commenters tell you where you should be looking. You are loved. You are single and just in the wrong places. Like an orange in a world of apples…find friends who know friends who go to churches around you that love the Lord. Christian Colleges probably know of groups and activities as well as other Churches and yes Catholic churches in and around your area….Let God show you what He knows about you. Since He knows the number of hairs on your head. 🙂 you are sweet inspiring and you are Not Desperate! Heeehe! Love and prayers
    From a silent faithful reader.
    Victoria

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    1. Hi Victoria! This is such an awesome comment thank you so much! I’ll have to check out a Christian concert!!! And you’re right — we need to see below the surface into the heart. Amen – let God show me what He knows, and let Him guide my path. I am so encouraged by your heartfelt words. Thank you dear friend. You are a blessing to me. Hugs and love xox

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  50. That’s the thing about journals. They help you tell a complete story, from start to finish. And the finished part is when God comes through, and He always does, because He is Alpha and Omega! This moment of solitude is the soundtrack for your testimony. He did it before, with anorexia, and He’ll do it again. Job 42:2.

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    1. You’re so right about that – Alpha and Omega!! And so true – journals are actually really awesome snapshots of our lives and stories. Thanks for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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