Sweet Angel

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

My heart is heavy today*.

I woke up this morning to learn that a dear friend, and radiant member of the BBB community, passed away suddenly. She had been battling against the repugnant monster that is anorexia, and it stole her life, way way too soon.

She was radiant in every sense of the word: encouraging, loving, faithful, kind, funny, and truly a warrior.

There is comfort knowing that she is in the sweet embrace of Jesus, without pain and in complete peace. My prayers are with her family in this devastating time.

This harrowing and tragic news really hit me hard. I couldn’t shake it. Not only because we were close, but also because it hit so close to home.

It was a grave reminder that anorexia kills.

It is not some punchline to a joke, or an easy dig on a podcast to get a cheap laugh.

It is a mental illness that has the highest mortality rate among all mental disorders.

This isn’t going to be some soap box for mental illness awareness. Even though it just so happens to be Mental Illness Awareness Week.

I don’t know why bad things happen. Why God allows tragic events to take place. Why we lose loved ones, or get a bad diagnosis. Why there’s infidelity, abandonment, abuse. Why there are shootings, natural disasters, plane crashes. Why does He spare some and not others? I simply do not know.

And it is in times like this where it is easy to shake our fists at God and doubt His existence, doubt His goodness.

And to be honest, that can feel good – Let out all the emotions we have inside. Manifest the hurt and sorrow we feel in rage at the One who supposedly “made it happen.”

Where were you? How could you? Why? Don’t you care? Why didn’t you…Why couldn’t you…Don’t you care at all? 

Sound familiar?

I can’t answer those questions. I don’t think any of us will ever know the answers until we meet our Maker face to face one day.

But I do know that we live in a terribly broken world. One where there are tragedies out there. Not that God plans, but that are a result of the fact we don’t live in the Garden.

But…

We’re not in this alone.

I’m not going to lie, typing these words tonight, it’s taking all of my strength to say these things, as I am so angry and hurt that God called his daughter back to Him so soon. But I have to muster all I can to truly believe that He is in control and He is good.


And there is one image that has been put on my heart, so I will share it.

Imagine a child who is tremendously angry and hurt. She runs to her father and He lifts her up. And she’s furiously kicking and pounding His big strong chest with her little fists. Just getting out all her rage and fury and sadness and everything – until she can’t fight anymore and just collapses in His arms in exhaustion. But she doesn’t fall, because she’s in His arms – just like a little Raggedy Ann doll.

He wants to uphold us. He wants to soothe our hurting spirits. He wants to be our strength. Our lifeline. Our comforter.


Maybe you’re in the kicking and screaming phase of something in your life. Maybe you’ve been in that phase for a long time.

He’s got you.

He is holding you, bearing the force of your cries and anger. He’s taking it, and is loving you through it. We just have to stop for a minute to hear His soothing voice.


There’s nothing flashy today. No funny puns or cat gifs.

Not today.

But even amidst sorrow, there is still hope. Because my friend is free. Free from the pain. Free from the fear. And she is dancing with Jesus tonight in Heaven.

In tragedy, we just have to remember that Jesus was, and is, and is to come.

And He has known suffering. He has walked it. And there is nothing that we’re going through that He hasn’t also gone through. And He is right beside us in our grief, crying with us.

Let Him console you.

*Written Thursday, May 25

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

374 thoughts on “Sweet Angel”

  5. Well, Beebs, schizophrenics die, too. I was coloring beside a girl one day chatting as we went. The next day she was dead. Hung herself in the shower with her shoelaces. Schizophrenia kills, too. I don’t mean to make fun. That’s not my point. There are times that suicide and I have become quite closely acquainted, and it’s not on account that life is hard, but sometimes rather the logic works backwards and creates extraordinary solutions to big problems, solutions that society punishes! I don’t know your friend. I don’t know you. But I did know the girl who colored and chatted me and died. Everywhere was darkness and depression for two or three days. Maybe more. I keep trying to tell everybody that life will be better when it doesn’t exist, but people think that’s just illogical. I don’t think so. When it’s all over, it can’t get any worse. But what do I know? I’m just a slave to my thoughts. Open the door. Close it again. Let the bad emotions out. Begin again. Go to the edge of the universe and beyond. Sit down in a place where sadness is not allowed. Come back when you want. Freedom to be when and who and how you choose to be. (We’ll all be better off dead.)

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    1. Hi Daniel, I’m sorry you feel that way. And I’m sorry that you had to experience that. How truly tragic. The loss of a life is devastating. I’m sorry that you feel enslaved to your thoughts. I did too-not in a suicidal way, but ED’s voice is dark and makes you believe you are unworthy and unlovable. But then God walked in. I don’t want to preach to you, I don’t think that is something you would appreciate. But I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep tonight without telling you that there is freedom from that darkness. Freedom in Christ. And I can say that because I experienced it first hand. You don’t have to feel that way anymore. You can live in His love. Anyway, preaching over. I am sorry that your coloring friend took her life. There are no words for how much that hurts my heart. If you ever want to talk about it more, I would be happy to hear your story and listen. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Well, Beebs, I never pass up an invitation. I could explain, and I probably will. I wish I could and make it understandable, too, but usually I can’t and choose to go cryptic in my explanations. Symbolic, cryptic, enigmatic, whatever…I’ll try to avoid that if only to rid your pleas that I turn to your Jesus. I don’t discount him for you or anyone else, but the only explanation I can make to satisfy my life is to do without. I made a mistake (after others also), but this mistake was different. I crossed a boundary an invisible line. I crossed a line I should not have crossed. The middle of the street. Power, witchcraft ruled me ever after. Not of me. Of the one and ones who gained power over me. Thereafter, no matter how I sought, there was no salvation for me, no forgiveness for crossing that line. And there isn’t and won’t, that is to say, won’t ever be. I will never be forgiven of that. Death is sweet to the damned. Death is sweet to the unforgiven and unforgiveable. My hope to die and end this mess. Always. My one hope. To die. Witchcraft is ugly, terrible, and unkind. Its effects are brutal and never leave for a moment’s peace. As Isaiah says, there is no peace unto the wicked, so has been my life. The witchcraft that outgained, the witchcraft that maimed, the witchcraft that stained me will never go away. Psychiatrists promise so many things, but their souls are as hollow as the helpful effects of their drugs. I would rather self-medicate, personally. There is no one to turn to in this crisis, not even your Jesus. I have known for many years that He is not there for me. The day came that when for me there was no forgiveness. Not only for that crossing of line, but immediately also for every mistake of my past. And so, I, like a hunted animal, run for my own safety from false accusations, from reviling tongues, from manipulative authorities, drugs, and guns. I suppose only humans gain access to your Jesus, but I don’t think after my life experience that I be human, anymore. War is all I live and all I expect, animal instinct my only escape. Like a serpent that smells, like a bat that hears, so have I become. Blindness also as animals have that they and I might become one. Humans don’t need me. The details are there, whether cops at my door or the family tell tale. Those go hand in hand BTW. As Nebuchadnezzar, I’ve learned to eat grass with the animals, and I have been given the heart and spirit of a beast only to outlast my curse, survive until I find peace. As with animals, in death. No one needs care about me. Salvation will never come. I only wait for death’s release that I might be set free from this captivity, yea, even slavery. No one is to blame. Only me. I entered that house made of candy in the woods. It was my choice. I knew it was wrong. I went, anyway. My fear of man was greater than my fear of Eternal Justice. My mistake. Doesn’t really matter. What’s done is done. Things are what they are. One mistake ended hope forever for me. Go ahead. Try to reclaim me. I tell you not to, but you do it, anyway. Not long ago, your words were mine and I spoke with the same effulgent zeal. No more. Not for me. Death is my only appeal. By whatever means. By whatever way. Does not matter. I just want it today. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and scatter a like here or there. My words last forever. All flesh is grass. The bottomless pit made it so. I fell in and kept falling, and so I’m falling so. Hell is real. I know it is. It is what I live and have been. Some say I am worse than hell. I don’t know. I suppose anyone can say what they like. I’ll be running, though, running til I die, shot dead at last by those guns. They all threaten, but all they really want to do is coerce just for fun. They want to see me run again and again and turn it all into sport. And so that’s my life. I don’t care for sport. I used to, but not anymore. My only message: Beware of witches of great promises and sly tongues. You may never be the same again. Beware of witches. Serpents they are. Serpents with heavy and terrible venomous tongues. Terrible, venomous rungs. Ladders that go down forever into the abyss deeper and deeper. Hell openeth itself without measure and swalloweth whole. There is no escape. Only survival. Or death. And so I run…

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      2. Hi Dan, it breaks my heart that you feel that way. Again, I don’t want to “go there” again, but I just want you to hear that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that Jesus wouldn’t forgive you for. People, not so much. We are a fallen people, and we hold grudges, fail to forgive, are mean — but not so with Jesus. There is no invisible line that you crossed. He annihilated that line when He went to the cross for you and me. Anyways, that’s all. My heart goes out to you, friend. xox

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      3. I’m glad you understand things so well, because I sure don’t. Nevertheless, it is hard for me to be base my life on your experience. I would rather base it on my own.

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      5. I have been deceived my whole life and brainwashed by a Satanic cult. It is hard for me to be trusting now.

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      6. that breaks my heart. just know that there is freedom in Him. You don’t have to stay in that darkness. There is life and light to be had. You are wanted in that freedom. You would be welcomed and received with open arms. I promise. That would be His deepest joy, to have His son back.

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      7. I trust more in cranking the volume on Five Finger Death Punch “Nemesis” than any church or religion. I’m a black hole. You really probably oughtta walk away. I’ve already destroyed a trail of collateral damage everywhere I’ve been for the last 15 years. I never walk away. I sink my teeth in deep. Those that can should get away. I don’t mean to threaten, and it’s not a threat. It’s the past that I’ve lived. A long series of religious leaders, brothers, sisters, parents, “friends,” psychiatrists, counselors, police, that I have left wounded along the way. It’s not gonna slow. I only go faster and faster, adapt more and more, become meaner and meaner. I gain strength and intelligence every day. Again, my point is not to spread fear, but simply acknowledge my past and experiences. I try to share wisdom, and wisdom dictates that people stay out of my way. In the end, I’m just a blubbering fool with no guiding star. And that’s all I’ll ever be until I die. May death come quickly! I have oft repeated to many to kill me and put me out of their misery, because I really can do this forever. They never listen. They speak of love as though captivity were love. I would rather open up all the cages in all the world and let the animals run free. I consider the lion a better friend than any human. Even though that lion would probably eat me. The look that he gives me. Yet I would welcome death to living among humans. You don’t know my history. You don’t know my past. Nor how good it was until it turned all bad at once. You don’t know my thoughts. You don’t know my intents. But, really, all I care about now is survival. I don’t really care about salvation, anymore. That ship has sailed. Except…there was that vision I had one time. Maybe it means something. Maybe it doesn’t. A cream-colored rosary of beads and crucifix–all that awaited me after a long walk past two football field lengths of immaculate golden-honey rows of work tables 20 yards long each in a large warehouse. All that awaited me at the end of this tremendous walk. A cream-colored crucifix. But why? I was brought up being told that crosses and crucifixes are evil, like carrying around the weapon that killed your God as a symbol of one’s love for Him. I don’t believe any of that, anymore. Nor do I believe anything except survival as a technique, as a tool, and as a way of life. The dreams, the visions I have, though, they should, they must mean something…???

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      8. I do love Catholic music. The chants I have always loved since I first heard them. The music in the church I grew up in has always sounded like a funeral, never like actual worship. Nevertheless, where I live was founded by the religion I grew up in, and that religion to this day maintains monopoly of politics, business, and pastimes in this area.

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      9. Beebs, I just wanna be frank here. I made a mistake when I was 20. I crossed a line I wasn’t supposed to. After that, though I pled, though I tried to re-create and do right, repair as many times as necessary, never was I ever forgiven of that. Not only that, but all mistakes of my past for which I had felt and obtained forgiveness were also dumped upon me. My only out now is to claim I am perfect and fight anybody who denies it. Otherwise, hell. Because, for some reason, I cannot be forgiven.

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      1. Paz a todos menos a mí. No descansaré hasta ver justicia contra los que me han azotado durante 15 años seguidos y sin falta y sin piedad ni bondad ni amor. ¡No descansaré hasta ver justicia por ese error! No descansaré hasta ver el cambio de este mundo de terror. Noches sin dormir. Drogas hasta morir. Casi. Casi. Pero no. Policía como lobos y religión con espada en cada mano a mi contra. Familia de puercoespinas que pican al acercar. Cocodrilos por vecinos y Serpeintes por amigos. Serpientes venenosas que pican con cada expresión de amor. Mas falsos que los dientes que quienes vivan en este edificio menor.

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      2. No, senor. (Perdona, mi gramatica es malo y mi computadora no escriben en espanol.) Paz a todos. Descansare en Christo, el maestro justicia. La noche no es tu casa. Viven en la dia! En Jesus Christo, viven en libre.

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      4. I once thought the same, but only through surrender will you experience freedom. The choice is yours, but Christ came to free all. I was once a slave to my mind – OCD and demonic influence took over my thoughts and filled them with horrible things. I believed that Christ was real, but I did not truly trust Him with all that I was.
        Surrender…..that is what I had to do, and I did. Though life is still imperfect, I am no longer a slave to fear. Christ is my master, and through Him I have been given freedom. No one is beyond redemption, but you have to accept that gift.

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  7. Words are inadequate to express the sorrow you feel in your heart right now. Prayers for the Holy Spirit to wrap you in his comfort, drying your tears.

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  9. So sorry for your loss. Your post as usual though is thoughtful and an encouragement.
    I have been visiting someone dying from cancer. When I first met him a week ago, he was in great pain and angry and fearful. He felt that he had left too much undone in his life. A few days later, he accepted Jesus as Lord. When I visited him yesterday, he was a changed person. Still in pain and yet able to smile through it but most of all, he has found hope and peace. His whole attitude to his situation has changed and in turn, even his once distraught family has found peace. I know these words can sound hollow but I can only assure you that you can feel the difference when you are there. God bless.

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  10. So sorry. I know this hits way too close to home. Your testimony is helping so many. Now she is with Jesus, in a place where peace, pain and judgement free rule. May you find comfort in the arms of our Lord right now.

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  11. You are such a blessing. Your heart is full of beauty, and the ways you share it in this blog and your caring expression is a gift to us all. I am enfolding you in a nurturing, gentle virtual hug. Grace is with you in this loving of your friend, and I just see you supported with the most beautiful angels of Light. ((take care of yourself))

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  12. I have gotten into the habit of reading your blogs kind of like devotionals and I love it. They are real and written with edge, but also smooth and full of love pointing towards Jesus. You inspire my own writing. Thank you.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for the repose of her soul, peace and comfort for you and for her family and friends. Thank you for sharing this difficult moment but you give us all the opportunity to pray for our sister in Christ. God bless you.

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  14. I want to say as everyone else has how sorry I am for your loss. I know how it is to struggle with an ED, and this post really shows me how easily that could’ve been me. It hurts my heart that it took your friend from you. I’m so glad you have the comfort of knowing how at peace she must be right now. I love reading your blog and am so glad God is using you x

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  17. Life is hard to understand. Appreciate how real this blog is – suffering isn’t an easy thing. But how awesome a thing it is that Jesus, the Son of God, didn’t hold himself back from suffering. He thrust himself into it. Praise God!

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  18. Very touching and so true 😦 I am so sorry for your loss.. may the Lord comfort you all and give you peace.. Yes, we don’t understand everything, but we trust in His love and his goodness, knowing He will all use it for good.. and this is what keeps us going. Be blessed

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  19. I think we are taught that faith looks a certain way. “Just keep pushing and staying strong”. I was really forced to question what strength really looked like after I experienced a series of traumatic events. It wasn’t until I was honest with God about my feelings, even my feelings with Him, that I fully received healing. I say that to say, sometimes the raggedy Ann doll scenario is all we have in us. And it’s actually okay! Sometimes, in my case, it was even necessary.

    Terribly sorry for your loss. It’s sobering to think about the fact that ED kills. It’s even more sobering because for some odd reason it feels like it hits home for me. Maybe because I’ve become a reader of your blog and I connect with what you have to say.

    Again, I ramble. But I’m sending prayers to the family and friends. It’s very sad.

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful note. Yes, you’re so right-being a raggedy Ann, even though it’s all we have, we’re in His arms, where there is comfort and healing and strength. I appreciate your kindness, friend. Hugs and love to you xox

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  22. BBB, I am at a loss for words. First of all, I would like to extend my condolences to you and your friend’s family for this horrible loss, one that didn’t necessarily have to happen. ED is so malicious, masquerading as a friend to help you lose weight until it becomes a nightmare, one that cannot be escaped only managed. I fight my own daily battles with ED, and have lost acquaintances to him, but never a close friend. I cannot imagine the pain that you’re experiencing having lost your good friend.
    Your imagery with God holding a child until a tantrum has passed is a beautiful one. I can identify with that certainly. My relationship with God has gone through some rough times in the past year with a suicide attempt, but God not only brought me through it, He brought me out stronger. God bless you and keep you close during this difficult time!

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    1. Hi Lyndsay, thank so much for your support. It truly means a lot. You’re right about that-ED is a masquerade master. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve had to endure this past year. I’m so glad that you’re doing better and that God has gotten you through. Even when we don’t understand, I have to trust that God is good and His mercy endures. Thanks again for sharing your heart. Sending big hugs ❤️

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  26. My condolences for you loss. Remember in all life there is God’s grace, but maybe His greatest grace is in death. The best I can offer os not mine but His –

    Philippians 1:21‭-‬23
    2 Corinthians 5:6-8
    1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

    Grace to you and peace!

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  27. I’m sorry you lost your friend. I really am. Your ability to express your thoughts, ideas, beliefs, values, grief & sadness, loves, life’s experiences [good & bad] and much more in a written story [fiction/non-fiction] is a gift that you give and we gladly receive from you. I’m a grateful recipient, I’m sure many are. So, I think it’s about time that I say Thank You for sharing what’s important to you with me.

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    1. Thank you friend. Wow, what kind words. I am truly humbled by such encouragement. It makes my heart so full to know that you enjoy your time here. Thank you for that. I appreciate your support. So much. Hugs and love ❤️

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      1. I love your message. Especially about the child. So heartfelt and raw, I guess the word would be. And, honest.

        I can’t pretend I know what this kind of loss does to you. It seems like the ones we relate to experience wise, hurt the most.

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  30. I’m very sorry for your loss. In times like this it’s very easy to question God cos we don’t understand why such a thing should happen. But it’s very brave and admirable of you to share what you’re feeling with us. May the Holy Spirit be your comforter and remember that He won’t leave you or forsake you.

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    1. Hi friend, thank you for this. You’re so right-it’s easy to question His goodness, but yes. Even in the trials, we have to trust and still rely on His goodness. Thanks again for the support. Hugs and love xox

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  31. So very well written; it moved me to tears – as it should!
    I love the image of the child angry with her father who just holds and comforts her. Often there is no explanation, but there is always the possibility of trust.
    And then the reminder that Jesus has walked this way before and now walks it with us.
    And, and, and …
    I mustn’t go on or I’ll rewrite your post – I love it! I believe it!
    Stephen

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    1. Hi Stephen, thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. Always the possibility of trust-I like that. Thank you for that perspective. Your words have touched my heart. Thank you. Hugs and love xox

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  32. I’m sad to hear about your pain and the sense of loss you feel. It will get better. Psalms 30:5
    For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: *weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.*

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  34. Sorry to hear about your friend. Even though they are free from pain, we are left to mourn them and contemplate our own lives.
    This is beautifully written.I know your testimony here is a constant encouragement for many battling these issues, so keep up the good fight. 🙂
    The good news truly is that, while will have pain and sorrow in this frail life, we don’t have to go through it alone. Blessings.

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  35. I’m so sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now in the death of your friend. Thank you for pointing all of us to what’s really important in these times…..in all times….and that is to keep looking to God. Not with understanding, necessarily, but with faith and trust that He understands so much more than we do. Prayers for peace today, for you and for your friend’s dear family.

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    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement. It really means a lot. You’re right – keep looking to God with faith and trust. Even when it’s hard. I appreciate your prayers so much. hugs and love to you friend xox

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  36. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend . All I can say is that God didn’t ever intend for death to be a part of the picture He created us so perfectly and when sin entered the world, death entered the world. It breaks His heart just as much as ours when death happens. When He created us He said it was very good :), I am sure he is holding her so tightly today in heaven and it is very good again, prayers for you and her family.

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    1. Hi Jami, thank you for this beautiful note. You’re right – He intended to live and walk with us in the Garden. And yes, that is what I trust – that she is in His arms today and at peace. Thank you for the prayers. hugs and love xox

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  38. Oh I’m so sorry this happened to you. I cannot sit her and type out that I know what you’re going through, because tbh I don’t. But I can assure you that the anger you when towards God is completely normal. But doubt no more. Dry your tears. God is here, he sees your tears and hears your cries. And he is good. I can’t tell you why bad things happen to the people we love, but we are all on this Earth to eventually leave it. Keep praying for your friend, and so will too. Again, I’m sorry this happened. But it’ll get better. I promise

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    1. Hi Paulette, thank you so much for your kind words and support. It is a comfort to know that God has her now and she is in His perfect peace. thank you for the prayers, my friend. it means more than you know. hugs and love xox

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  39. I am having a similar struggle dealing with my brother’s recent death from a heroin overdose. I prayed SO HARD for him, and while I am confident that he is now free from addiction, pain, guilt, and shame, part of me struggles with the idea that my prayers went unanswered. I hate to even admit it.

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    1. Hi Josh, thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel you. It is hard to understand why things happen when we’ve been so diligent in prayer. It is probably one of the greatest tests of our faith that we will ever have to face. Praying for you and your family during this difficult time. hugs and lots of love xox

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    2. Someday, when you and your brother are finally are reunited in Christ, I am certain that you will see that your prayers made a difference. It can take a long, long time, but so long as we remain in faith, we never pray in vain. That love lasts, and does work even after the loved one is gone.

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  41. I pray my Beloved will be a comfort you during this time as He has been to me and will use this tragedy to draw you closer to Him.

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  47. My heart aches with you and I pray that you and her family and friends will find peace. Like you said, there are no answers to many of the world’s “whys.” What I have come to grips with over time is that God never promised to solve all of our worldly problems and pains nor does He cause them. Our promise is an eternal one. Until then, we live in a broken world that is not as He intended it. And we, like all of creation, yearn for renewal: Romans 8:22 “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.”

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  48. Dear sister:

    Your image of the frightened child is so beautiful. I have felt that struggle. There’s an aspect that might be helpful to share.

    The kicking and screaming is a way of attempting to maintain our identity against the all-pervasive field of love that surrounds us. The very energy of our flailing around, however, causes the love to pass into us. On the point of breaking through into the healing unity of love, the things that attempt to keep us from love marshal all their strength to the goal of destroying us.

    When they succeed, we tend to blame God, to feel anger and hurt. That is their aim – to cause us to doubt. But God isn’t done with that soul. Love will continue to reach out to it, directing the remembrances of our prayers into it, giving it strength to come back and try again until it finally becomes free.

    You have been given the strength and talent and enthusiasm to facilitate that process for those still engaged in the struggle. Hallelujah! God is Great! God is Good! God is Love!

    As your friend now rests, be at peace.

    Brian

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    1. Hi Brian, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. You’re so right- God isn’t done. We just have to trust, even when we can understand. Thank you again for these wonderfully encouraging words. You are a blessing, friend. Hugs and love xox

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      1. The world covers us over with dirt. When we enter through Christ into the Holy Spirit, he cleans us. We turn around to see those we have left behind, and our hearts overflow with compassion for their plight.

        So we go out into the world to help them, and expose ourselves again to its diseases.

        I feel the wound you have taken. Don’t be afraid to let us carry you.

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      3. I have had the good fortune to walk this path before you. It is to walk without shame towards the Father that reaches out to us. The wound is the fear of others that they will lose us, so we take two steps, then one back, saying each time: “Look! This is way! Just a little further now.”

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  49. So sorry about your friend, may her gentle soul rest in perfect peace, amen. Be consoled knowing that she is resting in the Lord’s bosom…it is well.

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