Put the Fire Out

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I have a confession: one that I’m really not proud of.

But tonight at church, and really for the last couple weeks, I honestly have just felt…nothing.

It’s like I’ve been spiritually numb.

But tonight was different. I was actually getting angry.

I was sitting in the pew, and just inexplicably fuming, being critical of every little thing: the priest seemed arrogant. The pace was too slow. I was literally shooting daggers with my eyes at the elderly woman leading the songs. (A capella, I might add.) Who is this monster I’ve allowed in my thoughts and heart?!

But I was just checked out. And the more I thought about it, the worse it got.

I’m going to be honest: growing up, I had a few episodes of… the silent treatment.

I’m not proud to admit that passive aggressive low blow, but I have been known to give my parents the silent treatment during rare occasions, back in the day, when I was really angry about something.

And I realized tonight, that my behavior pattern in church these last few weeks is exactly that: I’m giving God the silent treatment.

Because I realized tonight, I’m still angry at Him. I’m still feeling really hurt and abandoned and so I’ve been slipping into my old bad habit of icing out the person I’m upset with.

Obviously, I’m upset with God for my mom’s stroke and the aftermath we’re having to adjust to. But there’s recently been something else.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an autoimmune disease: Ulcerative Colitis. And in the last two weeks, I’ve had a pretty severe symptom flare up: An extra-intestinal symptom, meaning it’s an autoimmune response not associated with Ulcerative Colitis, but just due to the fact that my immune system is screwed up.

Anyways, long story short, I’m just angry that God is allowing this. I’m thinking, Seriously God? You’re going to throw this at me now…when it hasn’t even been a year since my mom’s stroke?

And thinking about it tonight, I know the textbook answer is that I’m supposed to “trust God” and “rely not on my own understanding but believe in His perfect plan and timing.”

And frankly, that just seems so passive right now, when I’ve got this fiery symptom flaring up, and I’m just waiting to see what happens next?

Tonight, during the sermon, I was berating it in my mind, pleading for it to just hurry up and be over already, when my ears caught something that made me actually start listening: the priest’s dad had a stroke.

OK…I’m listening.

He went on to discuss the importance of praise, especially when we’re in seemingly hopeless or upsetting situations.

We can trust. We can do what we have to do. But we must never forget to praise Him, because His love never changes, no matter the circumstance. Not even if we’re icing Him out: His love is worthy of praise.

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Honestly, that’s not really what I wanted to hear tonight. I would have rather just fumed about the hard-of-hearing older woman belting out the hymn, off tempo and off key, and just hate on everything about my current situation.

That would have been the easy – and probably more temporarily satisfying – thing to do. But I realize that by turning my eyes upward, I will take my focus off of myself. I’ll alleviate my fears and worry by thinking about the One who truly has never let me down.

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Turns out that every “seemingly horrible” scenario in my life – be it my anorexia, past flares, mom’s stroke, etc.…each of those literal life altering seasons of my life have set me on the path I needed to be on, and taught me an invaluable lesson along the way.

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I kinda wish I could go back and have a “do-over” of church today, and walk in there with the mindset I have now rather than the Critical Caralyn that hemmed and hawed her way through mass this evening.

I guess there’s always tomorrow for that.

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435 thoughts on “Put the Fire Out”

  1. I am praying for you, your mom and your family. I understand how you feel. Trust me, I am going through my share of difficulties in my life. It gets hard. But never give up! Praise your way through! Listening to praise and worship music gives me joy to keep going!

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  3. Something I’ve heard in the past few years, “When you don’t want to go to church, that’s when you really need to be there. (&) When you don’t feel like praying (talking to God) that’s when you really need to talk to Him.”

    I do believe in spiritual warfare, though I’m cautious with how I view it, and approach it. (we don’t need to use this as an excuse or crutch for our thoughts and behavior, I’ve considered writing about this.) I believe when we are going through something that affects us, we become vulnerable in spirt, in emotions, and perhaps in mental thinking as well.

    When we allow these feelings and sometimes pain to rule, flow through us, we become targets. Our defenses may feel up but we don’t know how truly shattered we are inside, or as you mentioned, willing to admit it.

    There’s so much potential to give to God in these moments, as Paul said, “to boast IN weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” But it’s hard. In as much we don’t want to feel pain, deal with the current circumstances, or what is dealt to us, it seems these things only cause more wear and tear when we ignore, or when we become heated, as you kindly admitted to (and you’re not alone sister, thanks for being honest)

    I don’t know why Christ tolerates certain things to happen, but He still has a plan. That we can rest assured of, and His plan is Great, and it is beyond anything we ever imagined. The impact is probably beyond our scope of imagination or what this world alone can handle/fathom. For that…there is glory, there is praise. For that we can find hope in our webbed, tangled darkness. ❤ peace be to you Caralyn, thank you for being honest!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. hey TR, thanks for this powerful response. you’re so right – in our weakness, He is the strongest. and it’s so true – He has a plan. and He willl work everything for good. There is only glory and praise for that, just like you said! such an awesome response. thank you friend 🙂 you’re a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi ya, I know how you feel on this as I’ve done the same. I’ve come to realise over the years that shit happens we don’t like. It’s not a case of trusting God it’s accepting life and who you are as a person is how you deal with it. Getting angry and cynical isn’t bad in my view as so often it’s served me well.
    I also think you’re more angry at church and the people who should support you aren’t. Unfortunately I’ve found it so common in churches to talk about support and care and that’s it. Church for me was often a place that made me angry because of its insensitivity. Just my view.
    Keep smiling love and hugs xox

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    2. I am sorry for how the church has made you feel, Simon. In many ways, I feel the same; my pastor just wrote a book called “Known: Finding Deep Friendships in a Shallow World,” all about trying to be truly Known and Loved by others in the world that we live in. You’re right, we talk a lot about community, care, and support– but rarely are we blessed enough to find a group of people who love God, and therefore will love us, right where we are. I know it can be easy, but I pray your belief and Hope in God is not hampered by the mistakes of men. God promised He would never leave or forsake us, and unlike flawed human beings, He keeps every promise.
      I also pray you’re able to find people who truly do want to love and support others, because they have been so supported and loved by God. Thank you for your opening up a bit in your comment. Have a great day.

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  5. Leading off here with the biggest of hugs!! Putting negative things behind us is never easy. It also doesn’t just “fade steadily” and never come back to rack our minds, hearts and so on. You are none the less among us all to have had moments like that, but rising up above it, as you did, is the key. Rising up, by realizing through the priest’s testimonial sermon, that you are not alone with hard things is something that many people refuse to do. They refuse to acknowledge that that their negatives are among others and think that they themselves have the most negative things in the world, and that no one else is worse off than them ever. You recognized the path and instead of dogging down in it, have let your place on it be a rising direction. Your light shines so bright in all that you think, do, say to others, and share here!! You touch me every time with a beautiful message and I am honored by it! Hugs, love, and God’s Blessings every day!! (ps. new poem posted too) xoxoxo

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    1. aw, thank you so much MiguelTio. I really appreciate the hugs and prayers. You’re so right about that – I need to rise up and lift my eyes upward. Thanks for your consistent support and friendship. it truly means the world. 🙂 grateful for you! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful post as always. I can relate. I have experienced a lack of faith for a long time but I remember that there is something there, there has to be, regardless of how many times I have gotten beaten down. I tend to find God outside of church. In nature mostly

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  7. Thanks for sharing Caralyn. I had a similar attitude yesterday during service. It was so hard to get my mind of it. My friend has stage 4 cancer. Brother is not allowed to see his daughter and…anyway. Thank you. I will be catching up on previous posts now. Been on the road again. Hope you are doing okay. And Caralyn, you’ll kick that Ulcerative Colitis in the tu-tu just like you kicked anorexia in the butt. I think these sicknesses seem to forget they are messing with the wrong woman, Codename – Yellow.

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    1. Hey Ish, thank you so much for sharing that. Gosh I am so sorry to hear that about your friend. I will definitely keep them in my prayers. Thanks for the encouragement and support. Very grateful for you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Beautifully Honest and so wonderfully transparent! The more I read, the more I learn about being free to be me! Thank you for sharing your triumphs and fall downs with us!

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  10. Very inspiring words of encouragement. Thanks for sharing this. It definitely has taken me some time to accept that trials helped me to navigate through life and taght me valuable lessons. Well said! Love the pic of “not changing the wind but adjusting the sails.”

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  12. Oh Car, you are such a beautiful beloved. I love your spirit and your candor. You really do glorify the Lord through your writings. Never, ever stop!!! And I’m sorry you’re suffering; me, too. There seems to be a lot of that going around, but I’m going to take my mind off of myself and remember to praise Him through our storms. Hugs!

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  13. Gee whizz, the amount of comments now compared to 2015 is like night and day.
    Also, I must apologize. I cheated on you…r story. I read ahead to this post because I saw you had a new post.
    I hope you can forgive me.
    It can be hard to trust God when difficult things are happening in your life.
    I remember I was in (undisclosed nation due to security reasons, feel free to ask me personally) for about three months. During that time, I was physically sick, I didn’t enjoy any of the missionary type activities we were doing, and I just could not bring myself to be a good missionary. Then, ten missionaries were struck down just several hours north of where we were. They were on their way after providing eye healthcare. We had even met them before they left (I did not, as I was sick). And caught up in all, the dangers of the Gospel and the reality of closed nations, my group was given two opportunities: play worship at one of the funeral services and provide child care for the families going.
    Safe to say, it was amazing to see everyone come together in such an intense and difficult time to praise the Lord.
    Anyways, I’ll go back to where I was in your story.

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    1. haha yeah its pretty wild! and wow what an incredible experience. how terrifying about the other missionaries. yeah sometimes when its the most difficult to praise, it’s the most powerful and moving and necessary time. thanks for this powerful response! big hugs xox

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  14. I thought this was beautifully written. We all go through times when we are upset with God and don’t want to talk to him but it always amazes me that in those moments, he always finds a way to reach me. Love always finds a way to bring us back!

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  15. Same here, I’m like, “God really?? You gave us doctors to help us but none of them can figure out what’s wrong with me so I’m going to continue being useless with this debilitating illness?! Along with my mom’s really bad spine issue too and my dad working so damn hard under a really unreasonable boss that he comes back so exhausted everyday I fear his heart is going to give way again!? Plus I have my younger sister to worry about as she’s growing up in a family or injured and sick people?! Where are you, our finances are draining!”
    But I guess if we never pass the test, who are we to say we love God. This God that DIED for us and we are complaining of our sufferings. I always remind myself that there are people in far worse circumstances but so much more faithful.
    God Bless. xo

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  16. I don’t know how you do so well to keep up with all the comments you get these days. I’m glad for you! It’s a good “problem” to have. I want you to know what a rich blessing and encouragement you are to me. Watching you struggle and grow in your faith blesses my heart. Thank you for giving me that opportunity. In heaven, it would be fun to sit along the bank of the river and chat face to face. God has done so much in both of our lives, we could recount his stories in a very long visit. Thank you again, Caralyn. Also, it is very nice knowing your name.

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    1. Aw thank you so much for this thoughtful response! Yes! Oh my gosh thinking about Heaven like that with the river and the leave just gave me this overwhelming feeling of peace 🙂 yes that will definitely be fun 🙂 Thanks for this generously kind comment. You’re a blessing to me!! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  18. Everyone has these moments. Thank you for not sugar coating it or hiding it. It is brave to speak about doubt, about feeling the exterior jangle of what we grew up believing when the message comes through people and situations that make us feel discomfort. It puts little dents in our sense of self-worth. “I am not worthy of belonging. I cannot stand one more ridiculous platitude about having faith.” But you already have faith and you already know that. By sharing your experiences, you have solidified that you are not alone and you do belong. There is a whole universe of readers our here who get it. Worthiness is not an issue. You belong. Thank you.

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  19. You are great!! Congrats on the new book! Haven’t stopped by in a while, but it seems like you’re doing fine. Keep up the good work. And yes, always turn to God through your times and troubles! Bless you! Have a great day!! 🙂 XO

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  20. By the way, I can totally relate. I recently turned away from my church because it seemed more like a social club instead of uplifting people. God knows whats in my heart, my faith and my love for him & the bible.

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  21. You are entitled to a bad day here and there – it’s human nature. God knows the truth in your heart and hears all in your mind. Truth or just frustration – Forgiving and ever loving He is there for you. Don’t beat yourself up at all. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger – just look at your Mom 🙂

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  22. Songs and music can reach places in the heart that prose alone might never find. So, I will let Matt Redman speak for me (I think you will understand better than most.):

    “Blessed be Your name
    When the sun’s shining down on me
    When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
    Blessed be Your name

    Blessed be Your name
    On the road marked with suffering
    Though there’s pain in the offering
    Blessed be Your name”

    BTW. Got the book. Great job there!

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  24. Beauty, you have had so many replies, you really don’t need mine, but I will. We have a BIG GOD. He can handle our humanity with all its sufferings and complaints. Sure, I could say the obvious. I could say, consider the service of the old lady who sings off key and how Christ views her. I could point to your priest and say he might tend to deliver dry food sometimes, but there’s solid meat in there, etc. But, truth is, God gets it. He gets YOU and all your frailties. Each Bible character, no matter how stellar or righteous, had issues and attitudes. Give yourself a break when these seasons of anger and numbness flows in. If you said you’re never that way, I would doubt your faith stance. You’re His daughter, a princess of the Kingdom. Sometimes, princesses and princes feel this earth suit we currently wear. “BUT You, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head.” – Psalms 3:3 (NASV)

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  25. Don’t worry, you don’t have to wait for a church service do-over for Father to understand ❤

    Something significant happened a couple weeks back in my youth group; I took them on a little guided meditation – played some quiet music, let them relax in a happen place or memory, the whole works – then I asked them to picture Father coming to them there, and I read a beautiful love letter from Father to them compiled out of the Psalms by Steve Mcvey, and I spoke some truth over them about Father. But before I'd even gotten into that one of the girls got up and left the room and was gone for a good ten minutes through the love letter, and when she came back she had this angry, almost hateful expression on her face. I finished up with the others and she stayed after and told me she couldn't find a happy place, and she heard her own voice in her head just blasting God with hate and anger. When she came back in the room, without being able to control it she couldn't keep from seeing herself in a room filled with her own blood and Jesus coming to her in that place, but all the while half of her screaming hate and curses at him, and half of her saying 'NO that's not true I don't really think that–but I don't want you to see me like this'.

    As an aside, she doesn't have an evil twin living inside of her – what she was experiencing was the demon that for all her life has kept her trapped in fear and unable to hear the truth about Father.

    But what Father showed me afterwards was that it was so important that she experience that and see that image rather than, for instance, my going over to her in the moment and rebuking that demonic presence, because Jesus wanted her to see his unfailing love for her in the midst of the blood and guts–and it gave us the opportunity to talk about it and for her to recognize that that wasn't her–that her recognition of that inward battle with 'herself' is evidence that Father is winning the battle for her heart.

    And what I take away from that for you Caralyn, is that Father isn't afraid of your anger. He isnt afraid of your iciness, like you said. It doesn't affect how he treats you because he sees you deeper than those things. But even further, it's okay. Sometimes you have to experience those things in order to heal, and of course, trust more deeply in Father's love for you ❤

    ( Gee I hope that all came out at least somewhat like it sounded in my head (: )

    The wonderful thing about Father is he knows. He knows the end from the beginning, he stands above time; he's not surprised by you Caralyn. And he is so faithful because he knows your heart ❤ he created it, afterall (:

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    1. Hey Carson. Thanks for sharing this. Wow what an incredibly powerful story. That poor girl. I’m so glad she had you to help her through that because you’re right God will win that battle for her heart. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  26. Hi, it’s been a while since I was last on WordPress, just settled in at my new church. Good to see you are still blogging. May Jesus Christ truly bless you!

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  29. I’m not even remotely religious, but you’re demonstrating great strength right now, and checking in with yourself and adjusting even though you’re having a tough time is really encouraging. Hoping your troubles ease soon. X

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  30. After your wrestling match with God, if I may ask who did the changing. Did God change?

    Did you change? Do you think there was another way to work this change? Israel means struggles with God! I struggle with God therefore I will be changed! Your struggles with God are a great way to get to know God much better, so do not dismay in your struggle with God Caralyn. But, if you hang on to God get ready for a change in your life. See James, and count it all joy when you fall into diverse temptations. You are walking with God because in all this you did not say: God you do not exist.

    I will be praying for your health struggles friend. I hope they subside you soon. If they do not, the most valuable thing you can do is wrestle with God in honesty and respect. He loves the honest contact. You are strong and courageous in faith Caralyn. Take a long swim in his love and grace. You are on a good road, I encourage you to keep walking, God is with you.
    Denny

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  31. Many of us have struggles in our faith from time to time (anger, indifference, doubt) but few can express those feelings so honestly, bravely, and eloquently, and even fewer can identify the ‘why’ behind them. You have done all of that. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
    My thought is that God loves us despite those feelings we either display or keep to ourselves, quietly seething, and sometimes when He knows it gets to be too much, He sends us help with His Divine timing. Later we look back and realize He was there all along, and our faith strengthens again.
    I hope it’s okay to share a personal story.. I’ve been a nurse for over 25 years now. I usually love my job but there are hard times that shake my faith. On days I have felt the VERY lowest, thinking, “Why am I here? What difference does it make?” He has sent help in the form of past patients and their families to visit, to give hugs, and to say how their lives have changed since they were in the hospital. (Interestingly, these visits always happen in groups of three.)
    You have a beautiful gift in your writing.

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  32. You aren’t alone in struggling with these feelings. I’ve spent way more time there in the past few years than I care to admit. Have you heard the song “Even If” by MercyMe? If not, you should look it up. It’s been a mantra of sorts for me since I heard it over the summer. Hugs!

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  33. Wonderful post, as always 🙂 I can relate. On another note… I just tried to order both your books on blurb, but it keeps saying invalid product option and won’t let me add to cart. I’ve tried several times, not sure what I’m doing wrong. Any ideas? Thanks! Jenny

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    2. Hi Jenny, hmm, I’m confused as to why that’s happening. I just tried from my computer and everything was okay. Here are the links:

      http://www.blurb.com/b?ebook=638982

      and

      http://www.blurb.com/b/8086385-bloom

      I know that you have to create a log in in order to checkout. Did you get promoted to create an account or sign in? I hope that works! If not, I will email my blurb contact and get it figured out. Thanks for your interest in my books! hugs xox

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      4. oh good good good!!! i’m so glad. thank you again. it really means so much that you would want to read my words. i mean it 🙂 hope you enjoy – i’ll be praying for ya as you go through it! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

        Liked by 1 person

  34. In hopes to encourage your heart, let me share with you from my quiet time a week ago on the 3rd of October: “We all go through trials, at times. Some of them are small and some are very big. Some are extended, while others are short lived. I have been going through a series of them, of late. They are not huge, but are trying just the same…” The rest can be read at the following link. Love you! Sue https://cfservant.wordpress.com/2017/10/03/tested-by-fire/

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  36. being thankful in all things is difficult at times to do as well as so needed in our response to HIM… praying for you!! that your health will improve…

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  38. I know you’re amazing enough to read all of your comments. This post made me think of something I heard today; thought I’d share it (don’t feel obligated to listen if you’re not interested, but he gives a great testimony in it).

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  39. Great read! How awesome is it that God never shuts us out, even when we do that to Him. His love is unconditional. How fitting for your priest to mention his father’s stroke-another reminder that God is still here and cares for you.

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  40. “Thank God for the fleas.” Not always easy to do (trust me, I have whining down to an art! 😝), but I have read “The Hiding Place,” by Corrie Tenboom, and when I am feeling down about my life, I often think of Corrie and her sister when they were imprisoned by the Germans. Their motto was “Thank God for EVERYTHING! (Even the fleas in their beds!) Earthly suffering has an eternal purpose, bigger than anything we can understand on this earth. Prayers for you, dear friend! 🙏🏻 😘
    (P.S. Flair up of symptoms could be caused by stress overload. Give yourself some time to rest and relax. Spend some quiet time in adorarion before the Blessed Sacarament.)

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  41. “The steadfast of mind you will keep in perfect peace because he [or she] trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord we have an everlasting rock” (Isaiah 26:3-4).

    We cannot always help how we feel about something. And the Lord does not berate us for how we feel. But we cannot stay there because we know the One who is our Rock. He is our Rock and we find His perfect peace when we turn our thoughts from our feelings back to Him. That is our great struggle.

    Thanks be to God that He gives us not only His peace – in theory – but also His Holy Spirit to work in us His peace as we go through difficulty (Galatians 5:22-23).

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  44. It’s likely that this new flareup is your body’s response to the tremendous…influences, let’s say, you’ve experienced this past year. We are, right? spirit in a body. So…along with remembering to Look Up, be good to your body, don’t fear this. New information is coming to you this way as well as all the other ways you receive it. Ultimately a good thing?

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  45. Keep at it! God has a plan, it may not be what we dreamed or wanted, but it will be better than we could have imagined, IF we move forward one step at a time, one day at a time. Keep up the good work!
    Don

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  46. When my mom got cancer I had a very similar experience with God. I was a fairly new Christian at that point, only 14 years old. I remember just being so angry and so scared that I was going to lose her. Her orignial diagnosis was lung and pancreatic cancer. When my mom first told me what was going on she was telling me that she was going to die. But what I remember the most now is how connected with God my mom was in that time. She had full faith in Him. 3 weeks later my mom found out that she actually had a very treatable type of cancer. My mom has never been closer and more trusting in God in her life than now because of that experience. She believes it the Lord waking her up and calling her back to Him. All I have to say is that its ok to be angry, thats what I learned from that experience, is that sometimes we don’t understand and we do get upset and that that is ok as long as during that we are talking to the Lord. We are explaining to Him how we feel and staying with Him through our upsets. He knows what in our heart. He knows we don’t always understand and that’s ok as long as we are still staying near Him and worshiping Him. Thank you for your post. I think that it is so important as Christian bloggers to express the truth of what its really like being a Christian, letting other people not feel alone in our imperfection!

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  48. Oh, my friend. I understand. I won’t bother writing a post about it now, but I’ve felt nothing too. I didn’t make it to Church yesterday (13th October) as I forgot. How is this possible? Last week, I sat there thinking, “Why am I here?”. Not sure what is going on with us, but I hope it passes. I believe in Him, but I am also not happy with number of things. We’ll get through this. I’m guessing it’s just a test of our Faith. Stay strong, Beautiful. We’ve got this. xo

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  49. Your perspective is so refreshing to hear. Even though we come from different faiths, I really appreciate your candor and humility in sharing your spiritual experiences and insights. I agree with everything you’ve said. Thank you so much.

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  50. God’s grace always seems to manage squeezing in a little ‘whisper’ for each of us, whenever we gather for the breaking of bread. Hugs to you for being willing to simply listen….

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