I was literally thisclose to disabling my blog this morning.

Thisclose.

I mean, for the first time, I think ever, I could literally feel my heart pounding in my chest.

And I don’t mean “literally” like an overdramatic and slightly basic Millennial.

I mean, I could literally physically feel the actual beats of my heart pounding, as though they were millimeters from busting through my chest.

Allow me to set the stage.

Tuesday morning. alarm goes off. I roll over to find a message pertaining to my professional acting page.

Hmm, I haven’t checked that in a while, let’s mosey on over there to see if it’s been updated. 

For those that don’t know, there is a website on the internet that is a rolodex of every actor and crew member in the business. It is used by industry professionals, as well as professional Netflix bingers, curious about the past work and personal information about any actor, A-list to Z-list.

Well, clearly, they’re letting in the riffraff, because as an actor, I too have a page on this website. I promise you it is not impressive, but a it’s a page none the less.

Well here’s the thing…much like Wikipedia, random people can add to/edit your page.

Yep…thaaaaat’s right. Random people can go on there and submit trivia facts, biographical information, photos, and in my desperately unfortunate situation…quotes.

And you guys. The quotes that whoever this troll pulled from my blog, taken out of context, make me look like the absolute spawn of Satan.

A quote about my virginity. A quote about my past anorexia. A quote about my menstruation history/infertility (which praise God is now false!). A quote about being “anti” feminist. A quote about voting for Donald Trump.

I mean, the fact that someone would comb through my entire blog to find the most damning sentences possible when taken out of context, and then submit them anonymously to make me look like a monster?! On my professional acting page??

Talk about starting a Tuesday off with a zinger. It wasn’t even 9am and I had cried more than Ashley Iconetti from the Bachelor.

And the best part about this big fiasco, is that all this was brought to my attention by a cute. boy. 

I know.

I KNOW.

I am reeling inside too.

So anyway. I nearly disabled this site.

This blog is obviously anonymous for a reason. I share things on here that are incredibly personal, and not that I’m going to withhold that information from someone, but come on…sharing your past of anorexia, or your menstruation history!??!???…That’s at least 5th or 6th date material. Preferably over a bottle (or 2) of wine. Or in a noisy atmosphere where they can’t really make out what you’re saying.

Juuuust kidding.

But this whole situation did get me thinking.

Who am I, if I cannot own up to my past?

Really?

Am I ashamed of who I am?

It was a very rubber-meets-the-road moment for me.

And I will pause, to preface and say that there’s a huge difference between disclosing this personal information with someone in the proper setting, versus having it blast out on the internet without one’s consent. I stand by that, and have since emailed that website to have them take down those quotes submitted by a malicious troll that should go back underneath the bridge from which they crawled.

But look. I’ve got a past. For better or for worse, I’ve got a lot of baggage in my trunk. (Note that I didn’t use the word junk…get it…junk…in the…) hehehe

But seriously. Yes, there are a lot of things that I’m not proud of. Yes, there are a lot of seasons filled with pain and regrettable behaviors and patterns. But all of those things have worked together to create the young woman you see today.

And if I can’t own up to that, then who am I, really?

If I can’t accept my own past, how can I expect anyone else to?

The fact is, I’ve been forgiven. I’ve been healed. And I’ve been reborn.

Not from any of my doing. But from His.

And frankly, the young woman you see today is a living, breathing testimony of the glory, grace, mercy and power of God.

So you know what? Yeah. I do claim my past. 

Do I wish that some of the things I’ve said wouldn’t have been taken out of context? Yes. Do I have to shout out my past as the very first thing someone sees when they look at my professional bio? Absolutely not.

But I should never be ashamed of the journey God has taken me on. Because frankly, it has been one big process to destroy the persistent sin in my life: pride.

This morning, waking up I was mortified. Beside myself with shame and humiliation that such information would be the first thing that someone would read about me. As though my life could be deduced to a strategically biased soundbite.

And further, I was filled with rage at the malicious intent that someone would have to use my words against me, and manipulate them to tarnish my name and character by making me out to be a bigoted and abominable person.

This is my story. And I’ll be damned if I let some troll tell me that it’s something to be ashamed of.

Not today, Satan! Not today.

One last quick thing! I have decided to add two new exciting features to my Patreon!

1. I’m going to be doing a daily bible podcast called Oh What a Beautiful Morning! It will be just a quick, 4-5 minute daily devotion, reflecting on a daily bible verse/reading. And that first episode is already up, so head on over if you want to check that out 🙂  
2. I’ve decided to do a Bachelorette reflection podcast, where I recap/respond to the most recent episode of the Bachelorette. Which, seems a little random. But I literally listen to SO MANY Bachelor podcasts. (The show is my guilty pleasure, and I have a slight inkling that it is one of yours too 🙂 ) So I will be posting those recaps – from – a – Christian – POV on Patreon every Tuesday, and the first episode is now up! 
3. Both of these exciting new features of my Patreon, (in addition to the podcast versions of every one of my posts) will be available for $2 a month 🙂

This post was made possible by my wonderful sponsor, Audible. Listening to audiobooks while I cook is literally my new favorite thing. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. Plus, it’s a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!! 

Quick sponsor shoutout…Did you see my FabFitFun unboxing video!? Well…it’s time for the SUMMER BOX!! It is valued at over $320 and includes my favorite makeup brand, Tarte! It’s a quarterly box of beauty, fashion, home and fitness products for only 39.99? YES. PLEASE. You can get $10 off when you use my code HEATWAVE at check out too 🙂

***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY!

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