It just so happens that tonight’s post is quite timely. So I invite you to take a little journey with me.
I received word today, on Holy Thursday before Easter, that my blog was named by HealthLine, (a USA Today top-ranked health information provider with 125 million followers) as their #3 ranked “Best Eating Disorder Recovery” Blog of 2019, behind only NEDA and ED-Hope – which are two incredible organizations. I am humbled, grateful and truly blessed by the recognition.
So thank you, to HealthLine, and thank you to you, reading this — for allowing me to share my story, and joining me on the journey to new life.
This recognition comes at a rather interesting moment.
Allow me to set the scene. I’m on my computer reading the Gospel from Holy Thursday Mass in preparation for the post. And I had just finished the passage of Jesus washing the disciples’ feet, when I got the email notification, informing me that I had been recognized by HealthLine.
Of course, I’m ecstatic. I call my parents. We do a little group hug over the phone. And then I get back my computer, and what is still up on my screen? But John 13: 13-15…
So when Jesus had washed their feet and put His garments back on and reclined at table again, He said to them,
“Do you realize what I have done for you? …
If I, therefore, the master and teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet. I have given you a model to follow, so that as I have done for you, you should also do.“
Let me first start out by saying that I am not equating myself to Christ. Let’s get that out of the way. No way, José.
Never in my wildest dreams, would I have thought that I would share about my anorexia on the Internet – or in a book! Never in my life would I have thought that I’d share about all the invasively personal and honest things on here — I mean, I’ve freaking shared about my menstrual history and my virginity for crying out loud!
But I’ve pretty much shed every single layer of who I am, and have exposed the vulnerable, broken mess of a human, out here on this blog. And for better or for worse, you’ve come along for the ride.
But why? Why have I shared things that have caused me embarrassment? The loss of friendships? Potential employment opportunities?
It is because Jesus washed my feet.
I’ve shared with abandon that the sole, determining factor of my recovery was fully realizing that my eating disorder was one of the nails that pinned Jesus to the Cross. It was realizing that He died to set me free from that, and to pay my debt. He took it on. He forgave me of it.
And for this HealthLine news to be coming in on Holy Thursday, as He’s washing their feet and preparing to die on the cross – the foundation of my recovery, and purpose for this blog – it is just so incredibly timely. Miraculous timing, you could say.
I wasn’t too broken for Jesus. My crimes weren’t unforgivable. My past wasn’t too dirty. The guilt and shame that I had been carrying around because of my anorexia — because of the manipulation, and deception and lying and destruction — all the shit that goes along with an eating disorder — none of it was too much for Jesus to handle.
He is greater. And He took it on. And humbled Himself to die on a Cross.
But before He did, on that Holy Thursday night, He knelt down and washed the feet of His disciples, and instructed them to go and do the same for others.
And that is precisely what I pray this blog has done. I don’t have much to offer in this life…but I do have my story. I do have the testimony of the incredible saving grace of Jesus. Jesus, the source of my recovery. The foundation of my life. And the purpose behind why I so very frequently embarrass the crap out of myself for free on the internet.
It is because it matters. You matter. Your heart matters. And if the only way I can wash your feet is to offer hope to those who are walking a road I’ve already travelled…then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
So how incredibly meaningful that this recognition came in on Holy Thursday, of all days.
I have never done this blog for “the numbers.” My motto has been, and always will be, that if I’ve helped even one person, it is worth it. Admittedly, sometimes I struggle with feeling inadequate, or like I’m just spinning my wheels. But I think this was just a little nudge from the Father to keep at it, and keep sharing.
There is no place more desolate than the mind of a hopeless person, trapped in the cycle of anorexia or another addiction.
But there is hope. There is always a way out. There is always always hope. And it is found in the freedom won by the Cross. I pray that my life is a big, messy example of that.
Have a blessed, Easter friends.
“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5
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