Fifteen years ago, today at inpatient, it was my 26th day. Nearly a month.
I don’t know why I had the urge to crack open my inpatient journal and find today’s entry, but I did — and it didn’t fail to offer some interesting fodder for the blog.
I mean…for starters, I wrote in my journal that I “had a burger, fries, lemonade and a cake batter ice cream shake”…so your girl was eating gooood!
But all kidding aside, those were huge “fear food victories” that clearly, I deemed worthy of a journal entry.
But what stuck out to me the most, was something that I wrote, just in my free-thoughts, that I chronicled. “Don’t put your faith in outcomes — put it in God, because then you won’t have disappointment.”
And gosh, is that ever applicable to today, or what. Thanks, little 18-year-old me, for really sticking it to me.
I am definitely guilty of this — putting my faith in outcomes. Perhaps that’s because I am a recovering perfectionist — and am a very…results driven personality type…go figure.
But I think we can all base God’s level of “caring” or His level of “love for us” on the perceived outcomes of our current life situation. Particularly when it comes to prayer: God, I prayed for this, and yet, you made that happen instead. Why??”
I try to picture where I was during that time, writing this. I had been at inpatient for almost a month. I had just been moved out of the nurses station, where I had been sleeping so they could monitor my heart and my vitals at night, because I was so dangerously underweight that spontaneous cardiac arrest was something that was a real concern.
But I had been committed to recovery for four weeks at this point, eating well, putting a little weight on. And actually…spoiler alert – I just read tomorrow’s entry, and this is the point of my stay where the other patients ganged up on me and complained to the nurses that I wasn’t gaining weight fast enough, and they all told the nurses that they saw me exercising, and out power walking in the desert of Arizona in the middle of the night!! And then, I was moved BACK to sleep at the nurses station as “punishment.” At least my therapist stuck up for me and told them I was not doing any of those things.
Ugh – I had forgotten about that little episode. What those tattle tale gals didn’t realize was that because I was so malnourished for so long, my body had been consuming my muscles and tissues for so long, meanwhile damaging all my organs, so the initial weight went back to restoring my organs and tissues and muscles FIRST, which is why the weight gain wasn’t so obvious in the first four weeks.
Anyway, THAT was a tangent I wasn’t expecting to go on…but actually quite fitting…for outcomes.
The brave, recovering young lady — me — that wrote that — “Don’t put your faith in outcomes, put it in God, because then you won’t have disappointment…” I had no idea what the “outcome” of recovery — let alone inpatient treatment — would be. I had no idea what life would be like. I didn’t know if I was going to fail, if I was going to have a life I actually enjoyed, if I would ever be able to restore the relationships I had destroyed during my disease…I had no idea.
But in that moment, I had total and complete trust in God, no matter the outcome.
It was the only way to get through such a scary and challenging time.
So why, now, in 2022, do I such trouble doing that?
Is it because back at that time, it was my only option? Because I was at the pit of rock bottom and the only way to go was up? Maybe.
But now, it’s hard. I want the outcomes of my prayers and faith to be what I want: part of my plan, in line with my vision of how my life should go.
This is really something I’ve been battling lately: selfish prayer. Praying for my way. When instead, I need to be praying for His way. His will. His plan to come to fruition.
And to be honest, that disappointment — is definitely a feeling I’ve been wrestling with in my prayer life, which has been weighing me down.
But I’m realizing that, by expecting a certain outcome, I’m putting God in a box and limiting the endless capabilities He possesses. And my impatience is not giving Him the time that He needs to bring His will to fruition.
Do I trust that God loves me, and has a good and perfectly timed plan for my life? Yes.
Do I have faith that God wants to delight me, His precious daughter? Yes.
Then I need to give Him the time and space to work, and just be grateful for every day that comes. Grateful for every moment I am given to live, to breathe, to love, to grow, and to be shaped into the woman He created me to be.
If there was ever a situation where blind faith in an unknown outcome — nay, an outcome that was scary and probably a bit unwelcome (IE — an anorexic gaining weight)) that was me, at inpatient, writing this entry.
But it is only proof that God’s outcomes are better than any expectation we may have.
Here I am, at peace with a healthy body, enjoying food, loving life, with restored relationships, and engaged to be married to the most incredible man who loves me and accepts me for who I am — past and all…God’s outcomes are truly beyond our wildest imagination.
We can place our whole faith — our whole lives, beings, health, future — our whole trust, we can place in His capable hands.
Because as little inpatient me reminds us at the end of this entry…”He loves us with an inexhaustible love.”
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50 responses to “Trust Vs. Outcomes”
A beautiful post I like it thank you so much Caralyn you so beautiful
thank you friend. Hugs and love xox
Caralyn you are doing fine. This is my favorite Timothy J Keller quote about prayer. So enlightening and humbling – “God will either give us what we ask or give us what we would have asked if we knew everything he knew.”
Keep up the good life and your good work. Appreciate you. John
Thank you John, I appreciate that – oh wow! i love that quote so much! SO much! you’re right about that – if we knew everything He knew. powerful. Hugs and love xox
Just read a new study that anorexia causes the brain to shrink. That may explain a lot.
That was really low.
I don’t know what’s bugging you, Steven, but… Hope you feel better soon.
thank you Hannah.
wow. Steven you are a mean person.
Steven you often make some good points. This isn’t one of them.
I liked his a lot! I can look at several turning points in my life when I thought I was working toward a God-pleasing result, but He had something else in mind.
thank you Jeff! you’re right about that – He always is working towards something that only He knows. It is our job simply to trust — but isn’t it wild that it can be so difficult to do just that simple task? BUt i just have to remember that He works all things together for good, and wants to give us a life of abundance. That’s what I have to trust. how are you doing? I’ve been thinking so much about you! Keeping you and your family in my prayers! Sending the biggest hugs! xox
Yes, trusting is hard. I’m still having to trust as I go through my current trials! However, I am getting stronger. Julie brought my Schwinn Airdyne exercise bike into the living room, and I’m using that on my non-physical therapy days. Yesterday I managed 30 minutes after lunch and another 20 late afternoon. Still using the walker, but it’s getting easier. Hope springs eternal!
I’m so happy to hear that!! Woo!! Hope springs eternal indeed. continuing to pray!!!
Very powerful and great entry. To tell us of your very difficult path in recovery is courageous. Love and hugs Caralyn! ✨️⭐️
Hi Derek! THank you so much – yeah, it has definitely been a journey! and to be honest, I had blocked that little episode out of my memory! I’m so glad i kept such a detailed journal, because it really is fascinating to look back! so glad you stopped by! sending big hugs xox
You’re welcome Caralyn! It’s really good for your mental health.
amen to that!
The photo of you guys is lovely! Your room mates were rather nasty to you and completely misjudged you too which is way wrong. I so admire your recovery, Caralyn, such a strong woman! ❤️🙏🏻
aw, thank you John! yeah, i can’t believe that happened! i remember when it happened, all of a sudden my character came under attack, and I became untrustworthy in everyones’ eyes … for a completely false accusation. it is bonkers to think about actually. I was so mad at the time. it was like i was trapped in a nightmare. yikes. Thanks so much for stopping by. big hugs xox
A remarkable entry post!
thank you friend! i’m so glad this resonated with you! Hugs and love xox
Nice picture of you and your special gentleman 🙂
thank you Ian! he’s a pretty photogenic lad 🙂 hehe hope you’re having a great weekend! Hugs and love xox
I so agree with this statement, “I need to be praying for His way. His will. His plan to come to fruition.” It’s hard, isn’t it, not to put or own projected outcomes into our expectations for how God will answer our prayers? A life-long struggle… but worth the effort to learn to trust God for HIS outcomes!
Thank you Jan! You’re so right – it is SO hard to set aside the desires of our hearts and submit to His will. That’s what I’m working on right now. But you’re absolutely right – His outcomes are always best. sending big big hugs xox
Appreciate that you keep telling your story so that future generations will know what God can do in our darkest valleys.
Thank you for pushing through the memories and the pain associated with them so others can find hope in Jesus!
I just read a quote from Pastor Tony Evans that says, “He (God) lets us hit rock bottom in order for us to learn that He is the Rock at the bottom.”
Thank you Michael – yes! it is something that a lot of people struggle with, and in the chance this falls into the hands of someone who needs it, it’s always good to share! 🙂 Jesus is our best healer! Oh my gosh I love that quote!!! wow! Hugs and love xox
If you ever come to Dallas I’d love for you to give your testimony at our Celebrate Recovery meeting. Your story is so inspiring. God bless.
Oh my gosh, thank you Rollie – that would be such an honor! You better believe I will now be looking for reasons to go to Dallas!! 😉 thanks for your kind words and support over the years. you’re a great friend. Hugs and love xox
[…] Trust Vs. Outcomes […]
Thank you Tonya for the link up! Hugs and love xox
Our God is a God who restores the broken. So glad he restored you into such a beautiful person who loves God and loves people. Someday maybe I’ll tell you a story about a 20 year old boy, who’s outcomes were not going as planned, and was sitting on a ocean pier, thinking of jumping off, because his dreams didn’t line up with God’s. Thankfully, I was rescued as well. Thank God for others who pray for others. 🙂🙏🙂
Amen to that, friend. He restores the broken, and I can personally attest to that! And oh my gosh, what a powerful personal testimony. thank you for sharing that. I would be honored to hear your story. It sounds like you also know the loving embrace of our rescuer. I’m so glad He did 🙂 sending the biggest hugs and love xox
So, so true. God bless you. Prayers and hugs for you, Caralyn!
Hi Amy!! Oh gosh, thank you for your prayers and support and friendship over the years! You’re right – He is so worthy of our trust. Something that I have learned over and over again in my life. Sending you the biggest hugs and love! have a wonderful evening! xox o
Words that saved my life 38 years ago:
“God has great tasks only for those who have demonstrated their ability to deal with great failure. The greater the failure the greater the opportunity for service.” Landon Saunders
Oh my gosh, Ivan, those are such powerful words. Thank you so much for sharing them with me. Hugs and love xox
Martin Luther’s dying words were, “We are beggars; that’s the truth.” Every prayer we pray, we cannot divorce ourselves from our own spirits and love without self-thought, as He loves. So we rest in His love, in His work on the cross, in His resurrection and promise of eternal life. We are beggars, but He is a Giver. When we pray, “Have mercy on us,” He DOES! Hallelujah!!
Oh wow, CA – what a powerful quote. holy cow. amen to that – may we rest in His love and His work on the cross, I love that thought. thanks for this wonderful response! Hugs and love xox
“Don’t put your faith in outcomes — put it in God, because then you won’t have disappointment.” Such a powerful statement full of truth. God’s outcomes seem to always surprise me and prove to be much better than anything I could ever imagine. Thank you for this encouraging post.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” – Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)
Thank you Chris! You’re right about that – better than we ever could imagine! Hugs and love xox
very well said.
Thank you John! Hugs and love xox
Thanks for sharing Caralyn 👍
I love the way that you put “We can place our whole faith — our whole lives, beings, health, future — our whole trust, we can place in His capable hands.”
This needs to be a daily reminder for us all in our fickle lives, as when we face struggles (and we will), it can be so easily forget.
Each step by faith 😃
Blessings to you & yours
Thank you Braypa! Amen to that – He has the most capable hands! so glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
Another beautiful post Caralyn. It’s a good one. Thank you for sharing.
thank you so much Temiloluwa! I appreciate your kind words! Hugs and love xox
“Results driven personality…” Ouch! A little too close to home for me -🤣🤣🤣🤣. By the grace of God may I one day be fully delivered from this! Amen.
Hi Dawn Marie! oh gosh, I’m sorry this struck a chord so loudly with you! haha I definitely have to work on surrendering that DAILY! haha sending you the biggest hugs! xo x