It took me a long time to press “publish” on this post.
I was afraid.
But afraid for a different reason. I was afraid to make you uncomfortable.
You see, it’s a funny thing. I recently got 800 subscribers on here, and I know that’s chump change compared to many of you lovely bloggers out there. But for the first time, I was nervous to share what was put on my heart this evening for fear of what you might think.
So, like the good “former-therapy-gal” I am, I did a “feelings check” right then and there.
And here’s what I concluded.
First things first: I am incredibly humbled and grateful for the support from the blogging community. The fact that you take time to read my ramblings is incredibly generous. So thank you.
I have never been blogging “for the numbers.” That’s just never been what it was about. I wrote about my experience with anorexia and recovery in the hopes that it would help one or two — maybe three if I’m lucky — girls suffering with ED or in recovery, or help the parents/loved ones of those with the disease understand it better. That’s it. That’s all it’s ever been and will be.
So now, the hesitance I felt about pushing the “publish” button comes from my fear that sharing my heart – sharing my faith – will offend someone.
But I’ve decided that I cannot let that scare me. I’m just a girl. That overcame severe anorexia. And I’m sharing my story of how I did it. And the fact of the matter, is that how I did it, was that I didn’t do it. He did.
So without further ado, I push “publish”
There’s a lie that cripples. A lie that paralyzes people into enduring hell on earth. A lie that personally, used to make me cling to my anorexia out of sheer hopelessness.
That lie, was that I was not worth recovery.
The insomnia. The constant punishment – whether through excessive exercise, wandering the grocery stores, restricting, isolating, etc., the despair — all those things, I felt I deserved. I did’t feel like I was worth a life of freedom – a life in recovery. Perhaps you can relate.
Here’s what I feel I’m supposed to write tonight:
You are worth it.
Believe me, I have been there where you just feel as though you deserve the pit of hell in which you find yourself. That this life of utter nothingness is what you’ve earned. It is a dark and hopeless place. And the longer you stay there, the more it sucks you in, and the more you feel like it is where you’re destined to be forever.
But it is not.
You are worth freedom.
And not just from eating disorders, either.
Whatever it is in your life that has you in bondage. Maybe you’re getting bullied and you don’t feel like you’re worth standing up for yourself. Perhaps you don’t feel as though you are worth putting an end to a toxic relationship. Or a job that doesn’t see your full potential. Or putting an end to a destructive or addictive behavior. Or perhaps forgiving yourself from something that you just can’t let go of. Bondage comes in lots of forms, not just EDs.
But you think, I’ve dug my own hole, so now I deserve to stay there.
You are worth love. You are worth forgiveness. You are worth more than whatever it is that is suffocating your soul.
Oh, sure. That sounds swell. But I still don’t believe it.
You need proof?
Look at the Cross.
You want to know how much you’re worth? How much you matter? How much you are loved? Look at the Man hanging from that cross, and you’ll see just how much you’re worth.
I’m gonna keep this really short, so as not to get preachy. If you want more in-depth, read this, but I’m gonna just keep it simple here.
You. Reading this. That man, Jesus, decided to endure death on a cross, because He loves you and wants to be together with you in Heaven forever.
That’s how much you matter.
That He would die. For you. Individually. By name.
So, yes. You are worth it.
You are worth recovery. You are worth a good night’s sleep. You are worth spending time with your friends. Nourishing your body. Wearing nice clothes. Having a warm body temperature. Getting your period. Being gentle with your body. Caring for it. Loving it.
You are worth it.
This isn’t “it” for you. You don’t “deserve” this place where you may find yourself. Because your life was purchased at a price that communicates just how valuable you are.
I hope that this finds resonance in your soul tonight. I personally needed to hear it. Maybe you did too.