I’m sitting here at my kitchen counter, and there’s a high wind advisory outside right now.
Fifty MPH winds are just whipping through the buildings downtown as we speak. It’s whistling against our windows and making them rattle in their frames! And yet, the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful 65 degree day right outside. So it’s a little strange to see such beauty, and yet hear such anger.
Whenever I hear wind howl like that, it makes me think that God is angry. Or restless with my shortcomings. Which, I know is kind of silly, but that’s where my mind goes.
It’s not often that people talk of God’s fury, or anger, or rage…but the fact is, He is very much capable of such intimidating emotions. Throughout the Bible, we see examples of just that: hello: Noah and the flood?
But I’ll be honest with you – for a long time, I carried this weight upon my shoulders that God was furious and dissociated with me because of my anorexia.
I believed that when He would think of me and the mountain of pain and suffering I put my family through, and the way I actively destroyed His creation that is my body – that He just separated me from His heart – cut me off. The sins I partook in: the lying and deception; the vanity in my appearance, the fits of rage and horrible things I said to my parents; metaphorically “crushing” the souls of the people I cared most for through my actions, and “stealing” their concern and compassion. God should have been absolutely livid with me. He should have thrown me out with the garbage for the way I completely disrespected the gift that He entrusted me with. But He didn’t.
I’m sure He was infuriated with me. However, He showed incredible mercy through the forgiveness He bestowed upon me when I finally repented and handed my anorexia over to God.
He forgave me totally and completely, and not only redeemed me from my brokenness, but also helped me restore my life, my body, my faith – everything.
But it took me a long, long time to come to truly accept and believe that in my heart of hearts, and not just give lip service to it. I always felt that I was the kid God just “tolerated.” Like I was the “technicality” because He had to forgive me, but that didn’t mean He had to like me.
I just felt like I completely let Him down so much – why would He….how could He ever find it inside His heart to love me ever again.
That is a dark place to be. Kind of like the day today: sunny on the surface, but the wind is whipping at your face, constantly pushing you back, making every step feel like you’re battling a gale force wind.
And it’s lonely, too. Because the place everyone needs to turn to, is their Father. What happens when you believe you’re on the outside of the closed door, looking in through the window?
I don’t know why I was moved to write this today. I always pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the words to type. But I feel like I am supposed to say this:
There is nothing so big that God can’t forgive.
There is nothing so terrible that can separate us from His love. No chasm too wide. No time away too long. No mistake too grave.
Not when we seek His forgiveness with an earnest, open heart.
Take it from me: who sought His forgiveness from literally the pit of the basement of rock bottom.
How great is His heart that forgives.
Friends, I love you. I hope you have a restful weekend. Thank you for reading and for journeying through life with me.
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